by Jalapenoman on 03/09/14 at 4:23 pm
Atlanta, GA – (satireworld.com)
Glad Wrap, the alternative to Saran Wrap (“Don’t get mad, get Glad”), has decided to change the name of their product to cash in on the current positive publicity that comes from being an “out” homosexual. Beginning at the end of the currently supply run, all new packaging will carry the name “Gay Wrap.”
For several years, online consumers Googling ‘Glad’ were routed to the website ‘GLADD’ which was the official site for the homosexual rights organization…’Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.’ In order to cash in on gayness’ seemingly strong support, the company quickly made the announcement last week.
Medical professionals and researchers quickly jumped on the announcement to tell people that “wrapping your penis with plastic wrap, regardless of the name, will not replace a condom for birth control or S.T.D. protection.”
The decision by the company was greeted in San Francisco with a spontaneous gay pride parade and march. It also resulted in picketing of the local affiliate of the Fox network when it was revealed that there was a box of Saran Wrap in the television station’s break room. “It is just like those dinosaurs at Fox to not carry a product that embraces the true diversity of humanity,” said one protester. “Never mind that Saran Wrap may be a better product, it is all about image and support.”
When news of the protest at the FOX affiliate became public, television stations aligned with NBC, ABC, and CBS quickly checked their break rooms and office kitchens for Saran Wrap (or any other brand) and replaced it with Glad Wrap.
Trademark offices in Washington D.C. were quickly deluged with calls wanting to ask if Glad could legally copyright the name “Gay Wrap.” Generic plastic wrap manufacturing companies all desired to begin packaging their lesser expensive products as gay wrap (instead of plastic wrap or cling wrap) and wanted not to be sued for infringement. They stated that allowing Glad to copyright the name Gay would give them an unfair advantage and market share and cause unethical trade restrictions.
Saran Wrap, which has been the leader in the plastic wrap market for many years, saw initial sales tumble for a few days before rallying on Saturday (the traditional day for grocery shopping in the South and the conservative parts of the west). Company spokesmen said that “our base customer is still the traditional God-fearing Christian housewife who fixes fried chicken or roast beef for Sunday dinner, honors the flag, teaches Sunday School, opposes gay marriage, and wouldn’t allow a box labelled Gay Wrap to be in her pantry.”
Saran Wrap is considering changing their name to “American Christian Wrap” to compete in the marketplace (though they know that this product would not sell in San Francisco).
Hillary Clinton hailed the name change announcement as a great achievement and advancement in American business and said that she and girlfriend Huma Abedin have always used Glad Wrap and would happily switch to Gay Wrap. Husband Bill, however, asked “isn’t plastic wrap something that you put on leftovers when you’re out of tinfoil? I don’t eat leftovers no more since them doctors made me get skinny.”