by captain america on 23/09/14 at 12:30 pm
Allenhurst, NJ – (satireworld,.com)
An enterprising 8th grade student from Allenhurst, NJ made the news this week after being suspended from Oakhurst Grammar School for trying to help out a few of his friends that were starving thanks to Michelle Obama’s Draconian school lunch mandate.
Ronald Mc Donald, (no relation to the burger empire) said he first got the idea after listening to his buddies,all 3 sport athletes, who said they couldn’t survive on just 425 calories a day at lunch and their performance had suffered.
Two basketball stars, identified only as RM and DK, said not only had they stopped growing, but their 3 point shooting had dropped to 7% down from 62%. DK said, “I also think I’m going bald,” while RM said his Dennis Rodman like rebounding had suffered, “I just don’t have a bounce in my step,” he said citing his vertical leap diminishing to 18″ from 3’10 according to his slide rule calculations.
Shortstop AL was mired in an 0-32 slump and claimed he could barely reach first base with his girl friend or his tired arm.
Class Clown, LJ said he lost his comic delivery, and even had a hard time keeping his pompadour up he was so run down and depressed.
RM said he had a dream where he stayed up late making New Jersey’s favorite treat, Taylor Ham on white bread, to bring to school as a pick me up for his buddies.
“What started out as a one time event has now turned into a full time business,” said RM who know employs 13 of his classmates in warehousing, delivery, marketing, sandwich making, and raising their own pigs on their community farm in Wayside, NJ.
The treat has become so popular, not to mention nutritionally necessary, that he’s been forced to open a small shop to service kids at rival Wanamassa middle school. “Of course I have to charge the bastards a premium,” he said smugly before mounting his $105 Schwinn Black Phantom company bike to make the rounds of his growing business empire.
RM hit it big yesterday when NJ Governor Chris Christie stopped by to see what the fuss was all about and after 7 sandwiches proclaimed “Son….you have a “big, fat F*****g winner here!”
Shortly after he left, the Ocean Township Democratic Party charged the Governor for spitefully tying up traffic in front of the school in an attempt to discredit FOTUS”s attempt to control white kids’ eating habits, stunt their growth, and limit their ability to grow up and join the NBA and the NFL even with the Congressional White Caucus’s new affirmative action plan for minorities.
The president said he still hasn’t ‘come up with a strategy to combat this blatant form of
capitalism and its undermining of his transformation of the country, but said he expects to get a grip on it shortly after the midterms when he grants amnesty to pigs thereby shutting off THE Taylor HAM PIPELINE and getting back to a ‘healthy green diet, wind power,solar powered auto-pens and robo-teleprompters tat can speak to the “folks” while he’s out on the links.
RM was told he could come back to school if he shut his business, apologized to the president and first lady, and turned over his profits to the teachers’ union.
His 4 word reply was a classic: IN A PIG’S ARSE!