by Walter Bucket on 10/10/14 at 6:35 am
(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents: TRUE FACTS
1. Thousands of years ago, salt was very rare and expensive, and the price of a margarita, don’t even ask.
2. According to the latest poll, hardly anyone ever says “Hot to trot” anymore.
3. As we print this edition, Greenpeace has announced that the average American uses 8 times the fuel for energy as the average person elsewhere in the world. Our response? “We’re Number One! We’re Number One!!”
4. The antics of Chief Crazy Horse pretty much overshadowed that of his Uncle, Chief Mule-Headed Buffalo!
5. Artists Currier and Ives often stopped on their way out west to chop down a tree and count the rings and see how long they had been out there.
6. Spiro Agnew was only the third “Spiro” who was forced out of the office of either President or Vice President.
7. According to the latest findings of bird patterns, apparently the main reason for millions of birds to fly north every summer is to shit on our statues and cars.
8. Pro Bowler Paul Arnold is the first professional bowler to admit to taking steroids after breaking all ten pins in half.
9. Never mind global warming. Due to the increasing number of obese people, the earth has been decreasing in size for the past 20 years. However, for some reason, neither Al Gore nor Michael Moore will say a word about it.
10. In late 2013, it was rumored that the White House made a secret deal with the Mexican drug lords to open our southern border in exchange for them paying off our national debt.
11. An early title for “Gone With The Wind” that was also considered was “Now You Done Gone And Done It!”
12. Joe Kildare, AKA “Joe the Grease Monkey” of Greenville, Kentucky, once replaced his cars alternator belt with a flattened snake he found near where his car broke down.
13. Many of Paul Harvey’s “The rest of the story” were actually written by Hal David and Burt Bacharach.
14. Many wives whose husbands handle snakes at church say they make them practice with stand-ins at home almost every night.
15. *Warning: Some of Bargis articles can contain bits of peanuts, dairy products, rat hair and his own feces.