by Walter Bucket on 16/10/14 at 5:22 am
(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents: TRUE FACTS
1. Abraham Lincoln changed the beginning of his Gettysburg Address to “Four score and seven years ago”. Originally he had copied down, “Back when I was just a gleam in my daddy’s eye”.
2. Oldest woman ever mugged in New York City, Ms Helen Plover, 91. Thief grabbed package she was carrying after knocking her down and ran away. “Stupid young Jackass stole my stool specimen I was taking to the doctor. Now I got to go home and grunt all night to force another one. Hope he gets the hippy tittis!”
3. West Virginia, July, 2013: Sheriff Joe Ben Hopper, answering call in last year about some youth acting crazy, discovered they were drinking Coke Cola. “There ain’t no cocaine it those you knotheads. You just high on sugar. Here I’ll give you a lift.” Boys sent home with only a hard ass-kicking.
4. When country singer Tammy Wynette died in 1998, she was buried standing up, alongside her husband. She was still ‘standing by her man’.
5. Most Smurfs worship Babe the Blue Ox.
6. So you accidentally swallowed a fish bone? Don’t make the same mistake that others have made and try to dissolve it by drinking Drano or hydrochloric acid or any other excuse a Meth Head will use. Police and docs have heard the old fishbone tale too many times by now.
7. 59 percent of all professional gamblers have at least one broken kneecap.
8. Miss Piggy was once offered $100,000 to pose nude in Mad Magazine.
9. No condemned man has ever requested a banana and peanut butter sandwich as a last meal. But that’s what happened to Elvis.
10. According to Winter Rescue Stats, average number of kids/adults with tongues stuck to metal: 25. Average winos with balls stuck to dumpsters: 9.
11. Due to Michelle Obama’s new TV rules, Yosemite Sam will have to exclaim, “Great Jumpin’ Little Bunny Rabbits!” unless the show comes on after 9PM.
12. There has never been a Pope Chester.
13. Most Boomers blame their bad backs from the 1950s ‘Hula Hoop’ and the 1960s ‘Twist’ craze!
14. Really Vintage Moonshine takes four whole days to mature.
15. Bo Diddly is the only Rock Hall of Famer who sung mostly about himself. At his death he was composing “Bo Diddly’s in The Rock Hall of Fame” and “Bo Diddly’s Done Gone and Died”.