by Jalapenoman on 24/10/14 at 5:26 am
The White House – (satireworld.com)
Michelle Obama, the self appointed School Lunch Czarina, has made another change in what the children will be permitted to eat. The First Lady has decided to replace the highly expensive and high calorie milk and/or fruit juice with diet water.
Said Michelle, “we have found out that the drink is often half of the cost of the entire school lunch program. Milk isn’t cheap, you know, and neither is orange juice… or even Kool-Aid. Besides, these beverages are loaded with calories and sugars and may not be very good for children anyway. As a result, we have decided to replace these with special low calorie diet water!”
“Diet water doesn’t have any of that calcium which causes plaque build up in arteries and leads to heart disease, so we are protecting the health of our children. It also doesn’t have any of the salts or sugars that can lead to other health issues like obesity. I also know that juices are acidic, and we really don’t want to be giving our children acid to drink.”
When asked what made her product, diet water, different than tap water or bottled water, Michelle responded by saying that “it is a zero calorie beverage. We’ve made sure that it also is sodium and sucrose free and that it has no vitamins, minerals, fluoride, or other harmful additives. In fact, we have made sure that plumbers have placed special lines, which we call pipes, into the cafeteria of each school so that the children just have to turn on a tap to get this special drink. This will protect the environment from the pollution caused by making and then trashing all of those water bottles.”
“We are also going to make sure that the water is served at room temperature as we don’t want the children with sensitive teeth to have to suffer the effects of hot or cold water. We also wouldn’t want anyone accidentally swallowing or choking on a dangerous piece of ice as that can sometimes have jagged or sharp edges.”
Michelle was then asked where the money would be spent that was saved by the use of tap water instead of milk and fruit juices. Would this money go towards putting larger portions of food on plates? Would it be spent on putting a greater number of foods on plates? “No, we don’t think that this would be helpful,” answered Mrs. Obama. “We all know that the children love their school lunches the way they are and want to keep them that way for the rest of their educational period and on for future generations. Because of this, we feel that the students would all want to see this money spent in a way that guarantees this type of a future. These saved dollars will be spent on a campaign to keep feeding our youngsters that I am going to call the Michelle Obama for President in 2016 fund!”
The First Lady also announced the following additional changes:
- Ketchup, which was changed from the status of condiment to vegetable for the school lunch menu during the Reagan administration, will be restored to the status of condiment. The sole provider of ketchup that will meet Federal Health Guidelines, as approved by Michelle Obama, will be Heinz (as long as John Kerry supports the 2016 campaign with endorsements and donations).
- To follow recent New York health changes, salt shakers will no longer be allowed in school lunch rooms (this ban will extend to salt packets also). Additionally, no water cups larger than 16 ounces will be permitted to keep children from getting fat off of their diet water.
- Dingleberries will be classified as a fruit and can be added to breakfast cereals (cold or hot) and desserts.
- In areas of a high Catholic concentration that currently have no meat on Friday meals, this will be extended to Monday and Wednesday also.
- Beef or chicken gravy will be considered a meat dish. Cream gravy will count as a dairy dish.