Once Mothballed US Battleships New Jersey, North Carolina, Iowa, and Missouri Sail Once Again Toward North Korea
by Bargis Tryhol on 27/12/14 at 6:45 am
Shhhhhhhhhhhh! Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean – (satireworld.com)
In a scene reminiscent of a WWII era news reel, four of America’s remaining battlewagons steamed across the Pacific Ocean on their way to combat stations off the shores of Communist North Korea in response to alleged hacking charges levied against the regime of Kim Song-Un.
Dubbed ‘The Navy’s World Reunion Tour’ by the press, the combined firepower of the four battleships will be joing a vintage fleet un-matched by anything the North Koreans possess and can destroy any airborne threats the communists hurl at them as well including missles and cruise missles.
Citing a newly approved Naval Order of Battle as proposed and implimented by retiring Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, US naval forces will be inserting tried and true hardware into any future worldwide scenarios that call for projected naval power.
“Since we live under the sequestering rules now, we’ll be using much more in the way of proven ‘off-the-shelf assets from now on, ” says Captain Mortimer Hazelnutt, Director of Fleet Affairs in Washington. When fully explained by the under-secretary of the Navy, the ‘proven assets’ are in reality US Navy ships from the past that ‘deserve a second go-around’ in the North Korean waters. According to Catain Hazelnutt, “we must have a zillion left-over 2,000 lb shells in inventory and we really need the storage space since we are now a co-ed Navy.”
“We’ll be using the first atomic submarine Nautilus again, as well as, the aircraft carriers USS Forrestal and Yorktown. Future plans call for a re-fitting of the Monitor and Merrimac with special-ops units deployed from inside her hull. Plans to use ‘The Constitution’ often called ‘Old Ironsides’ are being considered once designers figure out how to launch missles with extremely hot exhausts from a wooden ship under full sail.
To further underwrite the cost of fighting 8,000 miles away from home, production and filming rights were sold to Steven Speilberg who has placed sixteen second-unit film teams on board the ships to record fill-in pieces for upcoming war movies that might require vintage clips of veteran ships in action.
Getting a piece of the action, and donating almost $10.5 million dollars to the US Seaman’s Fund, Carnival Cruise Lines has arranged for two of its largest cruise ships to transport and serve as a observation platform for over 9,000 cruise passengers who wanted to see first hand the naval firepower dubbed…The Greatest Show On Earth by Vacation Cruise magazine.
On the deck of his flagship the USS New Jersey, Admiral Horario Hornblower IV said, ” Look, we’ll be kicking some chink ass that are still living like back in 1952 and we’ll be using pretty much the same hardware we had back then too. I look at it as an Even-Steven fight by us using hardware from around the same era. Of course, we’ll cheat like the devil and use modern weapon systems.”
Meanwhile in Texas, an Austin spokesman for the Governor answered questions about the Texan response claiming the battleship USS Texas will not be joining the battlegroup as the Texas Rangers have sent the USS Texas up the Rio Grande in an effort to curb illegal immigration from neighboring Mexico. “The ship is so big it fits tight against both shorelines. Once at the Mexican border, the confused wetbacks think it’s some kind of island resort and as they climb aboard we simply arrest them. Since most are pretty skinny, already greased, we can easily fit them into the 16 inch cannons. Then we can shoot ’em back 30 some miles into Mexico’s thornbush district. We’ve found if we do that a few times they start to get the hint. In fact, there’s been discussion about shooting them into North Korea just to confuse those commie knotheads with other little guys speaking Spanish real fast.”
EDITOR NOTE: The Iowa battleships were also the only ships in the US Navy capable of firing nuclear shells. They gained that capability in the 1950s and, in theory, they had it until the ships’ retirement (the US Navy’s nuclear shells weren’t completely decommissioned until 2004.) The shells were called W23, an adaptation of the W19 nuclear artillery shell was developed specifically for the 9 each 16-inch (406 mm) guns with a “estimated yield of 15 to 20 kilotons of TNT from each shell, which made the Iowa-class battleship’s 16 inch guns the world’s largest nuclear artillery. Can you imagine those 9 huge guns firing nuclear shells with a overall range of over 30 miles?