Jefferey Epstein narrowly avoids assasination while Clinton Camp and Buckingham Palace claim it was a botched suicide attempt!

by on 06/01/15 at 5:01 pm

The old gal decided to 'get it done right' and not rely on Prince Phillip who was napping.

The old gal decided to ‘get it done right’ and not rely on Prince Phillip who was napping.

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)

Convicted pedophile, mega millionaire, and poster boy for Viagra, Jeff Epstein claims he was the target of a killer as he shopped for ‘party favors’ at a Victoria’s Secret boutique in Washington DC early this morning!

Epstein’s client list of friends and party pals are once again in the news putting Prince Andrew and former President Willie Clinton on the front page of tabloids thanks to a continuing law suit between Epstein and his former lawyers who allegedly pulled a lot of strings to cut him some slack in his underage sexual activities charges involving a number of international politicians, celebrities, academics, reality stars, pro athletes, and talk show hosts.

Charges revolve around Epstein’s many homes including a Caribbean island paradise where young girls were said to be treated as sexual slaves at the whim of Epstein who handed them out as party favors to those he invited to curry favors.

Among those privileged to partake were Prince Andrew, and on many many occasions Bill Clinton who enjoyed private air flights aboard Epstein’s corporate jet between 2002-05 before he came down with ED.

DC police, the same force that investigated Vince Foster’s alleged suicide, say that Epstein claims he escaped a hail of bullets as he was walking home from a ‘shopping trip” from a downtown Victoria’s Secret after a private showing for a ‘very special’ party he planned to host this weekend for a ‘close group of valued and loyal fans.’

Police combing the area tagged 22 spent shell casings from a 9mm Uzi, a North Face travel bag, 2 rolls of duct tape, a french butt plug and an unregistered cell phone that contained 21 phone numbers and addresses for the former President.

While the UK Guardian, the NY Times, Washington Post and LA Times immediately claimed it was a botched suicide attempt due to the new pressure on Epstein, the pro-ported victim claimed “why would I want to kill myself, I’m getting too much P***y to do myself in by my OWN HAND!” (NPI).

Repeated attempts by SW investigators to reach MI6, MI5, the CIA, FBI, Ken Starr and Hillary Clinton aid Huma Weiner went unanswered only deepening the mystery.

Reports have surfaced that a forensic team has arrived at the Caribbean Hide away
armed with 6″ drywall knives to scrape DNA off the walls, floors, and kitchen counters
to narrow the list of party goers who may have been shagging Jane Does 102-169 listed in the law suit, 49 of whom have claimed to have been abused by some guy claiming to be Dr. Cliff Huxtable at Epstein’s parties.



2 Responses to “Jefferey Epstein narrowly avoids assasination while Clinton Camp and Buckingham Palace claim it was a botched suicide attempt!”

  1. Bargis

    Jan 6th, 2015

    Good one! The dirt keeps piling up.

  2. Captain america

    Jan 7th, 2015

    ….gonna need a bigger shovel and more body bags!

Leave a Reply