John Boehner’s “Bartender Mike” Possibly the Worst Bartender/Jesus of All Time

by on 16/01/15 at 6:38 am

Denying he's crazy claims he ll be holding confessions in cell 2189 every Saturday.

Denying he’s crazy, Michael Hoyt claims he’ll be holding confessions in cell 2189 every Saturday afternoon.


Michael Hoyt may be one of the worst bartender/Jesus wannabe’s there ever was. The Ohio man has been indicted for threatening to poison Speaker of the House John Boehner after getting fired from his bartending job where he served drinks to Speaker Boehner for five years at a country club. After his dismissal, Hoyt told police of his plans, claimed to be Jesus, said Boehner was the devil, and blamed Boehner for Ebola.

The crazy bastard also told police his plan was to poison Boehner, shoot him, then escape. House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, said she believes there’s a chance Hoyt may not actually be Jesus. “If he was really Jesus, I believe he would have been able to harm the Speaker and then just ascend to Heaven. Either that, or we would have pardoned him. He wouldn’t have had to escape. That’s just my opinion,” Pelosi, one of the world’s worst Catholics said.  She was then wheeled back to her room at the congressional old folks home.

Hoyt’s threats break the basic tenet of the Bartender’s Oath – Do no harm. Or is that the one doctors take? No matter. He still sucks at it. Police speculate the bartender might have been driven insane by customers constantly barking at him, “Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike! Guess what day it is? Guess what day IT IS?!” That could drive anybody over the edge.

For his part, Boehner seems to have a knack for ticking people off lately. He’d better not piss off any workers at tanning salons or he might wind up locked in one of those beds until he’s the crispiest Speaker we’ve ever had. In fact, at the rate he’s going, Mr. Boehner might be safer drawing anti-Islamic cartoons in Europe these days.

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