by E. Williams on 07/02/15 at 7:07 am
HILL VALLEY – (satireworld.com)
Slowing his DeLorean as he cruised down Main Street, Doc Brown, known from the Back to the Future films, pulls to the curb alongside President Barack Obama as he strolls down the sidewalk.
Doc: “Barack, get in! We haven’t a moment to waste!”
Barack: “What’s up, Doc?”
Doc: “Get in! Hurry! We have to go back in time to see if the policy of “Strategic Patience” you are exercising toward ISIS would have helped save the lives of millions in earlier times!”
Barack: “Of course it will work,” Barack said as he got in the car. “Nobody is smarter than me. I’m sure we can fix things, no problem.”
Doc: “First we head back to the Civil War in the 1860’s.” Eighty-eight miles per hour later and the duo disappear in a flash only to find themselves in a grassy field as a battle rages in front of them. “Well, do something!” Doc shouted. “People are dying out there!”
Barack: “Calm down, Doc. If we just give them all some space and don’t do anything, both sides will come to their senses and realize what they’re doing is wrong.”
Fast forward a few years later, and Doc sees that Barack’s strategy is not accomplishing anything and, in fact, more lives are lost in this reality than all the lives lost in the original Civil War.
Doc: “This is pointless! Let’s try another time. Hold on!” With that, the duo sped toward the 1940’s in Germany. They pulled up just outside a concentration camp where they saw human skeletons who were practically begging for death instead of the hell on earth they were living in under Hitler’s rule.
Doc: “Well, do something! Have you ever imagined such suffering? It is unthinkable that these atrocities should ever take place in our civilized world! We have to change history and save these people from certain death!”
Barack: “Just give them time. I’m sure Hitler will come to his senses, repent, and free all of these prisoners in short order. I’ll talk to him and that should take care of things. By the way, where is FDR? Can’t he take care of this one?”
Doc: “Oh, no. YOU are the President in this reality. It’s up to you to win this war for the allies.”
Fast forward five years and the death toll for Jews has skyrocketed.
Doc: “You idiot! Because of your “do nothing, non-strategy strategy,” the Jewish death toll is now 15 million! That’s over twice what the original death toll was! Get in! We’ve got to go somewhere else now.”
After a flash, the pair arrive in 2025.
Barack: “What country are we in?” he asked as he surveyed Muslim women and children everywhere he looked.
Doc: “This is America! You’ve been out of office for almost ten years and America is becoming more of a Muslim nation. There are more mosques now than Starbucks! The Middle East is on fire and what used to be England is now called the Islamic Kingdom! Hundreds of thousands have been killed by ISIS there and tens of thousands of Americans have been killed by terrorist attacks that were orchestrated by ISIS in this country!”
Barack: “Then my work is done!” he said with a smile on his face.
Doc: “You fucking moron! This is what your “Strategic Patience” accomplished. Thanks for nothing. Get the fuck out of my car!” he shouted as he kicked Barack out of the passenger door and onto the curb. “I’m going back to some time in the past when America was the country I knew and loved so I can work to keep you from being elected in the first place! Maybe I’ll even give your mom a condom.”
Eighty-eight miles per hour later and Doc was off in a flash to a better place.