by E. Williams on 17/02/15 at 6:39 am
WASHINGTON D.C. – (satireworld.com)
In the aftermath of the horrible shooting deaths of three Muslims by a crazed gunman in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, Attorney General Eric Holder said his agency is considering banning all parking lots nationwide in order to curb this type of violence in the future. Police reports indicate the shooting took place as the result of a dispute over parking spaces.
“We can’t have people getting into arguments and killing each other over parking spaces,” Mr. Holder said. “We’re better than that. If parking lots didn’t exist, these three innocent victims would still be alive today. People are just going to have to figure out some other place to park their cars.”
The Attorney General said he was planning on asking the President for the authority to create a new agency called the DOKJR, or Department of Knee-Jerk Reactions, which would investigate and make recommendations immediately after the death of any black or Muslim person, based solely on media reports and before all the facts of each case are known.
Many people feel the agency Mr. Holder is seeking already exists and is called the DOJ. When asked where in the hell people are supposed to park their cars, Holder replied, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. We typically prefer to come up with an asinine solution to a problem and then worry about unintended consequences later.”
As more details surface about the killings, it appears the man responsible for the shooting is a progressive liberal who was a fan of Rachel Maddow and other progressive personalities, likely suffered from a mental illness, and REALLY, REALLY loved his parking space. Mr. Holder said the fact that the shooter was a batshit crazy liberal was an element of the investigation he felt comfortable dismissing. “That doesn’t fit our narrative,” Holder said, “So I’m willing to look the other way on that aspect of the case.”
When asked if it was fair for the government to take away parking lots for the entire country based on the actions of a lone, crazy parking enthusiast, and that odds of another similar incident happening was extremely low, Holder responded, “We can’t take that chance.”