by E. Williams on 19/02/15 at 7:00 am
WASHINGTON D.C. – (satireworld.com)
For years, our crazy Vice President, Joe Biden, has been excused by the press for his strange behavior toward women and even young girls at public events. The media hacks always said of his behavior “that’s just Joe being Joe.” But after Uncle Joe got too “handsy” and close to Stephanie Carter at her husband’s swearing-in ceremony for Secretary of Defense, Mrs. Carter decided enough was enough.
“This was supposed to be my husband’s moment,” Stephanie said. “Ash was being sworn in and it was his special moment. But now, all anybody can talk about is the “Space Invader” Joe who was clearly over-the-line the way he grabbed me and put his mouth so close to my head. I decided it’s time to put a stop to this.”
Seemingly overnight, Mrs. Carter has announced that she will be launching a new skin care product for women to try and put an end to creepy touching in public by the likes of people like Biden. Stephanie said the product will be called “Pervert Squirt” and will be a lotion that can be rubbed on the shoulders, arms, and neck.
“First, I had to find a soothing ingredient for the lotion to control the inevitable skin crawling that occurs when you realize you’re in the clutches of a creepy man like the Vice President. Secondly, the lotion contains a small amount of gun powder that, when activated by the body heat of the creep, sets off a chemical reaction that will mimic the sound of two shotgun blasts – a tribute to Uncle Joe’s own brilliant advice for scaring away an intruder.
In focus group testing so far, results have been very positive. An attractive woman applied the lotion just outside a conference room on Capitol Hill where the Vice President was attending a meeting and, right on cue, the Veep tried to give the woman a squeeze as he passed by. The lotion activated, let out two loud booms, Biden hit the deck, and Secret Service personnel drew their weapons.
Mrs. Carter said if she can save one woman from experiencing what she went through at the hands of the VP the whole thing will have been worth it.