by Philbert of Macadamia on 20/02/15 at 1:27 pm
Baltimore MD- (satireworld.com)
Another Baltimore Ravens football team member has been arrested on felony charges. The team management has seen its players accused of murder, wife beating, assault, animal cruelty and other criminal charges. These criminal charges have been brought to the attention of Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake as besmirching Baltimore City’s “Purple Pride” and Edgar Allan Poe’s honor.
Mayor Rawlings-Blake asked the Baltimore City Council to formally suggest ways of restoring the city’s “Purple Pride.” The council responded with two suggestions, as follows:
- The Baltimore Ravens football players would be locked up during the season except for training sessions; workouts; practice games; home and away season day games and post season day games; Sunday and Monday night football games; and out of state travel to games. This strategy is based on the motion picture “The Longest Yard” (Paramount Pictures 1974, 2005) which takes place in a Georgia prison.
- The Baltimore Ravens Football Franchise would swap locations with the Indianapolis Colts Football Franchise. This activity would bring a whole new outlook and class of players to Baltimore City. Approval would be required by the National Football League Commissioner and the two team’s owners.
Mayor Rawlings-Blake and the Baltimore City Council agreed that the first suggestion, keeping the football players locked up wouldn’t work. The ACLU would get a federal court injunction based on the 8th Amendment to the US Constitution, “Cruel and Unusual Punishment.” A federal judge would not consider exercise, food, lodging and conjugal visits as enhancements.
Mayor Rawlings-Blake and the Baltimore City Council agreed unanimously that the second suggestion would work. It would be presented to the NFL Commissioner and the team owners at their next scheduled meeting at NFL Headquarters in New York City.
The new football teams would be called the Baltimore Colts and the Indianapolis Ravens, respectively. Baltimore’s Mayor indicated that a new “Memorial Stadium” would be built, subject to a deal agreed-to by all parties. The site of the stadium would be in downtown Baltimore where the Horseshoe Casino was just recently built, as city residents are tired of gambling!