by Philbert of Macadamia on 21/02/15 at 6:51 am
Washington DC – (satireworld.com)
Following the resignation of the current Secret Service Director Julia Pierson, lower level Managers were mercilessly grilled by the House Congressional Oversight Committee. Many managers were subsequently removed from their posts. Republicans and Democrats deemed the multiple White House security breaches, sloppy security protocols and the lack of security for President Obama unacceptable. The Secret Service had to clean up its act!
The new Director of the Secret Service Joseph Clancy has announced that President Obama will not be making any domestic fund raising trips during the last two years of his presidency. This edict was predicated on enhancing President Obama’s physical security and that no Democratic politician wanted to be seen with this president during the midterm election cycle. Additional security guards will be posted along the new barrier outside the White House fence. Barbed wire and land mines were ruled out behind the fence because “First Dog” Bo’s sanitary habits were unpredictable. A moat with alligators was also rejected for Bo’s safety.
The helicopter pad on the South Lawn will also be removed, so that for both foreign and domestic travel the president will go by armored limousine, like the rest of the high level bureaucrats, to Andrews Air Force Base to board Air Force One. (President Obama can still sneak out to 5 Guys Burgers and Fries for a Jalapeño double beef cheeseburger, behind Michelle’s back.) The space previously taken up by the helicopter pad will be turned into an 18-hole miniature golf course to keep the president occupied. He can still pontificate from the Oval Office!
The “Lame Duck Miniature Golf Course” is a gift from Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Debbie Wasserman Shultz to save her butt from being hit by the door on her way out because of the Republican Congressional gains during the midterm elections. President Obama can use the course when he’s not writing unconstitutional Executive Orders, e.g. Amnesty for Illegal Immigrants, Second Amendment “Right to Bear Arms” restrictions and “Jobs for Jihadists.” The Course consists of 18 political scandals and faux pas, including robotic statues of the personnel involved, so that the president can easily identify with them. Some holes have penalties, but no Mulligan’s are allowed.”
- Hole 1: Attorney General Eric Holder “Fast and Furious” gunrunning scheme, where the ball must be driven into the barrel of an AR-15 assault weapon smuggled into Mexico by Justice Department Agents or the president gets covered with five day old Guacamole.
- Hole 2: Former UN Ambassador Susan Rice “Lying about an Islamic Video Tape” as causing the Benghazi Libya Embassy Attack, where the ball must be driven through burning talking points memorandums and American patriots dead bodies.
- Hole 3: Internal Revenue Service (IRS) administrator Lois Lerner “Bureaucratic Arrogance” where the ball must be driven though irate conservative groups tossing buckets of molasses and bags of feathers.
- Hole 4: US Intelligence Agencies “Spying on the American People,” where the ball must be driven through both Republican and Democrat Congress people wielding 4th amendment (Search and Seizure) foam rubber nine irons.
- Hole 5: ObamaCare Liars Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and egghead MIT Professor Jonathan Gruber “You Can Keep Your Health Care Insurance” where the president must get a hole-in-one or angry doctors will perform a Colonoscopy.
- Hole 6: Wacko Environmentalists “Keystone XL Pipeline Protests” where the ball must be passed through a 6 inch diameter section of pipe or the president can’t pontificate or lecture to the American people for three days.
- Hole 7: White House Press Secretaries Robert Gibbs, Jay Carney and Josh Earnest “Liars Club Press Conferences,” where the ball must be driven into any mouth beneath their Pinocchio noses or Rosie O’Donnell will become the next White House press secretary.
- Hole 8: President Obama’s “Arab Spring Presidential Ass Kissing Trip” where the ball must must be driven over Arab foreign country potentates lower cheeks he kissed while traveling in the Middle East or he has to kiss the Democratic Party’s symbolic ass’s ass.
- Hole 9: President Obama doing nothing about US Marine Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi being unjustly held in a Mexican prison for seven months, where a compassionate salute and an apology to the entire family are required or the president must report to Parris Island for basic training.
- Hole 10: Former Democratic Senate Majority Leader (SML) Harry Reid “Sitting on House Bills,” where the ball must be driven under Mr. Reid’s Gluteus Maximus to release legislation to Republican SML Mitch McConnell for debate or a big armed bear will hug the president.
- Hole 11: President Obama’s “Unconstitutional Recess Appointments” smacked down by the US Supreme court, where the president must read the US Constitution or the nine Justices of the Supreme Court will be permanently housed in a White House bedroom.
- Hole 12: President Obama’s “Nuclear Agreement with Iran,” where the ball must be driven through Secretary of State John Kerry’s big mouth or Obama’s Presidential Library will be built in downtown Ferguson Missouri.
- Hole 13: Nancy Pelosi’s “Pass Before Reading Test” where the ball must be driven through a hole in the Bicked Witch of the West’s plastic conical hat or Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) becomes a permanent resident in the Lincoln bedroom.
- Hole 14: President Obama “Syria/Iraq/ISIS Strategy of No Strategy;” the Department of State’s recent “Jobs for Jihadists;” and all the people killed by ISIS where this president must wake up to the real world as opposed to living in fantasy land.
- Hole 15: First Lady Michelle’s “Starving American School Kids,” where the ball must be driven through a pile of alfalfa sprouts to cause an extra serving of chicken nuggets to every school child or no more trips to 5 Guys Burgers and Fries Restaurants for a week.
- Hole 16: President Obama’s “Unconstitutional Executive Orders” giving Illegal Immigrants Amnesty,” where the ball must be driven through 50 illegal immigrants legs or they will all be boarded in the White House basement for free.
- Hole 17: President Obama’s “Race Hustler’s Seat at the Table,” where the president must get a “hole-in-one” dropping Al Sharpton suspended above a barrel of cow manure or this president’s legacy will be the barrel of cow manure.
- Hole 18: President Obama’s “Impeachment Trial,” where this incompetent president ultimately loses his balls to the 2015-2016 Republican led Congress.
There is a 19th vegan watering hole with goodies from First lady Michelle’s garden, where the president can indulge himself in a Jalapeño double eggplant and sprouts veggie burger with cheese and a glass of Washington DC tap water.