by captain america on 27/02/15 at 5:23 am
Daytona Beach, FL – (satireworld.com)
Florida officials have cited 5 new cases of Leprosy in Volusia county due to ‘unnatural acts with Armadillos’ leading to the quarantine of DNC Charwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Congressman Alan Grayson!
CDC doctors are theorizing that Grayson had “some kind of interaction with an armadillo, and subsequently passed on the virus either orally or anally’ to Schultz.
Animal control officers have been perplexed for the past few months after finding wandering armadillos suffering from “Moly”, a date rape drug usually associated with rape cases of male undergraduates who had recently attended a Tri-Delt party at the University of Florida, Gainesville.
Officials said they have been able to obtain DNA samples from the hard shelled creatures using a rape kit developed for Gerbils in San Francisco which are much less intrusive than those used on enlarged orifices of Sorority girls in college.
Early symptoms include hair kinking up, facial tics, the inability to stop talking, and in extreme cases car crashes and wife beating episodes, attacking both males and females indiscriminately.
Political insiders say Schultz has not been seen in public since being detained in back of an Orlando Waffle House where she was allegedly trysting with Grayson as she planned her strategy for a move on a possible upcoming vacant Senate seat.
“It appears that she’s disappeared into her shell,” said Bargis Tryhol a Tea Party spokesman who claims he keeps his eyes open for liberal leaning abuses and crimes against nature.
Scientific reports claim that the virus can only survive in a ‘warm, damp place’ saying the disease results from ‘more than causal contact with the animal’ lending more credence to unnatural acts causing it to spread amongst liberals.
Said noted Leprosy scientist Dr. Victor Nicholas:”Armadilophiles just need to learn to keep their nose out where it don’t belong, if you get my drift!”
Said Bargis, ” well, now we know why an armadillo crosses the road….to get to Alan Grayson’s house ”