Chasing Food Equality…New Tasks for the Food Police

by on 07/03/15 at 7:37 am

"C'mon y'all...Who put that monkey food there? You? You dat cracker? Think das funny? Dat's right! I'll sue yo cracker azz fo making fun shit like dis. Banana fool."

“C’mon y’all! Who put dat monkey food there? You? You think you chimp owning Tarzan or somethin? Or you be just a-nutter cracker? Think das funny huh? Yeah, Das right! Das right! I’ll sue yo white cracker azz fo making fun shit like dis. Banana fool.”

Washington DC- (

Professor E. Williams of Satire World University (SWU) has written an outstanding paper entitled “Sharpton, Holder Want Federal Charges for Hurt Feelings.” This paper outlined the foibles of Mr. Sharpton’s flawed thinking about everything. Several developments have occurred since publication of this paper.

Mr. “J Calhoun” Sharpton BSA (Bull Shit Artist) and his Paralegal assistant Tawana Brawley have gotten into the bakery, restaurant and food processing shakedown business. Mr. Sharpton has submitted a list of acceptable baked goods and other food items to his good friend Attorney General Eric Holder, who passed it by President Obama for blessing. (Obama exempted himself and the attorney general.) The list is in the spirit of a judge’s decision about a bakery in Seattle WA that was forced to close the business for refusing to bake a wedding cake for a Gay Couple. The list includes:

  • Chocolate chip cookies must contain exactly 50% of white milk chocolate and 50% dark Belgium chocolate bits.
  • Black and white cookie icing must be exactly 50% of vanilla and chocolate.
  • Sandwiches must contain one slice of black bread for every slice of white bread.
  • White Clam Chowder (New England Style) must always be accompanied by an equal amount of black bean soup.
  • White mashed potatoes must always be accompanied by an equal amount of black eyed peas.
  • Baked Alaska/vanilla ice cream must always be accompanied by an equal amount of chocolate ice cream.
  • Canollis, Calzone, Hamantashen, Empanadas, and Pirogis etal must accommodate equal amounts of soul food fillings.

Expect to see new regulations issued by the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) mandating these “progressive” equality rules for commercial bread, cookies, cakes, candy bars, soups and other packaged goods manufactured in the USA. These federal agencies will be asking Congress for funding for 10,000 new food inspectors in the FY 2016 budget!

First Lady Michelle Obama was not answering her phone calls or emails.

2 Responses to “Chasing Food Equality…New Tasks for the Food Police”

  1. Bargis

    Mar 7th, 2015

    most excellent! I knew those black and white cookies meant something all along.

  2. Captain america

    Mar 7th, 2015

    …..Barry’s favorite Cracka is an Oreo!

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