by Walter Bucket on 09/03/15 at 7:49 am
(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts
1. Baseball janitors plan to strike if needles continue to litter Locker room floors. Owners plan to place still more signs “After ass injections, Please Place Used Needles in Wall Containers”.
2. TRUE: Many old Rock & Roll artists gave up touring in 2014. “Last year we had 26 broken hips, dozens of pulled muscles and three emergency adult diaper incidents and accidents”, say managers. Facility owners say insurance is too high for risks.
3. TRUE: Every colony of squirrels have at least one which is rabid to keep hunters away. (“Lookout Joe, that squirrel is headed your way and he’s completely nuts!”)
4. FALSE: Police give warning to anyone sending a Hallmark Birthday Card or post in Newspapers, “Isn’t it nifty, ________ is 50!” “Several 30-40 year-olds charged with everything from murder to sending writers to E.R. to have shoved up newspapers and envelopes removed”, say officers.
5. Explosion at Plastics Factory leaves workers looking like Cher, the late Joan Rivers and The Swamp Thing!
6. TRUE: President fires dwarf prompter after his sneezing attack from under lectern.
7. TRUE: (Update) Due to global warming many Canadians say that you can’t get a quality dish of Jellied Moose Nose at a restaurant anymore. “Tastes more like Moose Ass Jam”, a border guard told us, so we turned around and came back south.
8. The buffet style dinners were invented by the Neanderthals after luring a mammoth over a high bluff. Many got their choice of what part to eat after a two-day roasting, while sitting across from each other. Finally, when everyone was very full, they saved the soup bones by dragging them back to their caves.
9. False: A fired employee nicknamed “Pizza Face” was arrested once again by night watchman after sneaking back into Mayonnaise Factory late at night. Look for a recall.
10. FALSE: KFC has been charged of genetically crossing chickens with Osprey to create more meat and bigger buffalo wings.
11. Ben and Jerry Restaurants have changed their names to “Blubberbutt and Jumbo”.
12. After thirteen customers in two nights, newly released movie, “Hum Alone” closes.
13. After warning by FBI that terrorists are beginning to look for softer targets, extra guards have been hired by Charmin’ Tissue Factories.
14. TRUE: The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that dipping child molesters in egg batter before placing them in an electric chair is “Cruel and Unusual Treatment”.
15. TRUE: (President getting tough) President Obama has told FBI to go ahead and place surveillance cameras outside The U.S. Radical Muslim Terrorist Headquarters, Bomb-Making Factories and Biological Weapons Storage Units.