by Walter Bucket on 22/03/15 at 11:00 am
(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts
1. MENSA Question of the Day: “How can people discuss how large an ass a person has and still consider it ‘small talk’?”
2. TRUE: The late 2014 North Korean computer shutdown was caused by a fried squirrel. If Goofy would feed his people, they wouldn’t have to set traps for frying squirrels.
3. TRUE/FALSE: Miss Piggy of Sesame Street has been seeing a psychiatrist since 2006 for help concerning her nightmares of being slaughtered, hung upside down, gutted and cut to pieces before being shipped to Piggly Wiggly Stores.
4. John F. Kennedy’s middle name was Fitzgerald but bullies at school always insisted it was “Fartknocker” and wouldn’t quit sitting on his face until he admitted it.
5. CNN accused of inventing headlines in attempt to quit losing viewers: “Michelle Obama named Goddess, First in Over 1700 Years!”, “Rats In NYC Eat Over 500 People Sleeping in Condemned Building During the Night!”, “Crime Dog McGruff Using New Dentures to Take a Bite Out of Postal Workers Ass!”
6. New Musical Closed after one night. Some say, “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Sperm Bank!” could be worst ever. “Just shows you that you can’t judge anything by it’s name alone”, says critic.
7. TRUE: Beginning next NFL season, everyone’s balls will be checked before every game.
8. TRUE: There are more possible moves in a game of checkers than there are days in a week.
9. T/F For the film “Psycho”, Alfred Hitchcock had his own great grandmother dug up and placed in that chair. He later had her reburied and sent roses.
10. Midgets tell their children they were delivered by Pee Wee Birds.
11. T/F Lee Harvey Oswald’s toe tag was sold for $100,000 on eBay. Rumor, unconfirmed, is that each toe brought at least that much or more.
12. FALSE: Naked Buck Dancing will keep you from crying while peeling onions.
13. TRUE: At the new added-on rooms of Professional Football League Museum, you can get a shot of steroids in your ass for only $50.
14. TRUE: Added Update: New Smokey The Bear Commercials show Smokey sitting in the woods saying, “Only YOU can save our rustic outhouses!”
15. FAT FACT: As of January 1st, 2014, over 50% of Americans could no longer stick their finger up their ass!