Al Sharpton Opens Music Store Selling Only Broken Records

by on 01/04/15 at 7:52 pm

Several broken records in the collection had secret messages from Malcom X speakling in Swalhili when played backwards at 78rpm

Several broken records in the collection had secret messages from Malcom X speaking in Swalhili when played backwards at 78rpm


Al Sharpton opened his first ever music store in the windy city this month and the shopping experience for audiophiles is sure to be interesting. The king of all race hustlers is hoping his idea is a good one, even as music stores have faded in popularity during the present digital age.

Bob Parrish, a local DJ, seemed confused after shuffling through the racks of albums for about twenty minutes. “So far, I’ve heard every album I’ve seen. And they’re all broken records. This one is a recording of Mr. Sharpton blaming Whitey for all of society’s ills. And this one is an entire album of nothing but his MSNBC shows where he blames everything that bothers him on Jim Crow and the Deep South. Here’s Ferguson’s Greatest Hits. Every one of these is the same shit, different day, man. This one here was a new album to my dad fifty years ago, but I’ve heard it over and over again non-stop my whole life!”

Parrish continued browsing for another fifteen minutes before heading to the cash register with one album under his arm. When asked what he found, Bob told us, “This is the only thing in the whole store that isn’t a broken record. It’s called Still Trying to Learn the English Language After All These Years – An evening with The Reverend. Should be good for a laugh. The dude really mangles his English on his show.”

Bob left to pay for his single album but a minute later he headed to the front door empty handed. “What happened?” we asked. “I don’t know. They rang me up and when I tried to pay with my credit card they said they only accept the Race Card. I even offered them cash and they didn’t want it. This place is whack and I won’t be coming back. Maybe the store will get looted. That would be an improvement.”

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