by Walter Bucket on 02/04/15 at 7:06 am
(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts
1. President Jimmy Carter is the only U.S. President to actually shit a brick. “I blame it on a mishap at a Habitat For Humanity and Billy coming up with that Billy Beer thing”, he wrote in his latest book.
2. TRUE: News Networks are losing viewers daily and have apologized for recent faked headlines: “First Lady Dead From Toe Fungus”, “Seattle Coach Commits Hari Kari!”, “George Bush Great-Grandfather Was the Coward at the Alamo!”, etc.
3. President appoints 10,000 illegal immigrants to the study of exactly how many are “Donkey’s Years” in numbers; 10,000 more on “Exactly when was Old Blue a pup?”.
4. Over 100 Weathermen fired in the last five years for secretly using a magnifying glass to show audience in Evening News that it was hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.
5. TRUE: Red-Headed people’s hair gradually turns to a shade of blue/white when getting older. Thus, they are considered the most patriotic of all Americans.
6. The state of Minnesota is the first state in America to make “Playing Doctor” legal.
7. In some Muslim sects, the husband is permitted to affix a ‘trap door’ with a button on the rear end of his wife’s head-to-toe total veil.
8. As many as 50 former popes have been dug up in the past 1500 years and their bone sections sold by silent bids at relic auctions.
9. TRUE: In 2010 Afghanistan sued the United States over the loss of millions of dollars in their tourism industry.
10. TRUE: Contest for the World Championship at the game of “Twister” called a tie between Mr. Fantastic and Plastic Man. There will be two trophies presented once they figure out how to get them untangled.
11. There are more lifeforms on your bed covers than there are Chinese in China. However, the little guys aren’t all that bad and say they do enjoy you and the wife’s frolicking from time to time.
12. As of January 1st, 2015, over 100 hypnotists say they are having customers who enjoy reading come to be hypnotised to forget their favorite books so they can reread them.
13. Although Will Rogers said that he never met a man that he didn’t like, that was probably because he never met Al Gore or Michael Moore.
14. Zip Line rider somehow got switched to a grapevine while zipping through the Daniel Boone National Forest and hasn’t been seen since. A search party is looking for a possible tree hugger, limb hanger or fresh mound of forest dirt and leaves farther along the grapevine lines.
15. A Middleweight Boxing Championship match in 2011 was held up until the loser’s mother was found and brought down to look over her son out cold on the mat and stated, “Nope, I don’t recognize this fellow!” Then it was official.