by Walter Bucket on 07/04/15 at 6:00 am
(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts
1. True: The curse continues for those who have taken home rock statues from Easter Island. The 10th victim has just died. That makes seven from broken backs and three from massive hernias.
2. For the distance of the first ten feet, a sloth can outrun a crawling drunk.
3. FDA demands that everyone be inoculated against the latest and deadliest computer virus, “Trojan Hearse”.
4. True: New Jersey Muslim found drawn and bordered by group of wild-eyed cartoonists!
5. Reversing still another of the George Bush decisions, President Obama told Laura Bush that she could wear orange any time she wanted.
6. Artist/Inventor working on clothing that will shield wearer from drones, begins with new cloaking device.
7. San Francisco finally arrests drunk who sold his blood at several places until he collapsed and then he passed out on street and rushed to emergency rooms at hospitals and given blood.
8. True: Moby Dick, the great white whale, was always in a filthy mood because he was so huge he could not mate with female whales.
9. Movie critics are unanimous in claiming that “Vampire Academy” was one of the movies of 2014. “You had to see it to believe it” says one. “Got some good shut-eye”, claims another.
10. Kansas Board of Education denies the existence of the Kansas Board of Education.
11. One movie blooper that went unnoticed for several years was the scene in “Gone With The Wind” where Rhett Butler is wearing a Brooklyn Dodger cap.
12. True: Gerald Ford was not the clumsiest President of the United States. Jimmy Carter once fell over the same wheelbarrow three times while working with Habitat For Humanity, then got up and stepped on a rake and shot seven nails into the backsides of his fellow workers who were picking up a house frame.
13. Scientist, who invented a Time Machine went back into the past to pick up a sackful of old American Massachusetts Colony coins, had machine torn to bits and was burned at the stake for being a witch.
14. Many yokel farmers can predict the weather by looking at the sky than all the scientific woolie worms, corn silk and squirrels hiding double the usual number of acorns, put together.
15. On this day in 1826, President Millard Fillmore married little Miss Abigail Powers with a celebration that rivaled that of Archie and Edith Bunker at the courthouse in Queens, New York.