Man with 9lb Penis talks softly but carries a big stick!

by on 11/04/15 at 6:02 pm

Hans Scwantz takes some time off from wearing his trade-mark Speedos and signs autographs at a local pub.

Hans Schwantz takes some time off from wearing his trade-mark Speedos and signs autographs at a Berlin local pub. Says Schwantz,” I was once a normal fellow who stuffed a potato down me Speedo before going to the beach in order to impress the ladies. After going dateless for almost a month my buddy and fellow blogger Evil Williams suggested I move the potato to the front!”


Bonn, Germany – (satireworld.com)

SW has identified a German man who claims penis enhancement pills along with daily stretching exercise really does work!

Hans Schwantz a sausage maker from Holstein showed off the results of his self improvement regimen with his 9″ long, 3.5″ circumference schlong weighing in at 9 lbs to SW stringer and ‘futbol’ corespondent Harold Worth who was duly impressed and left speechless.

Due to it’s size Hans is forced to wear a kilt out in public which he says is not a problem, and certainly helps when he has to use the ‘facilities’ to relieve himself in a public restroom.

“I tried pants with an extra long rise, but that didn’t work….it sometimes has a mind of it’s own and just won’t stay put ” he said when asked by Harold if he ‘dresses right or left,”

His penis, which he affectionally calls “Big John” after his hero John Dillinger who reportedly has his member enshrined in a kosher pickle jar at the Smithsonian institute in Washington after it was repatriated from J.Edgar Hoovers desk after he left office.

Hans says normal sex is sometimes a problem but foreplay genuinely helps along with the mini-crane he built using Legos and his erector set in his spare time.

Also he continued, ” I once had an erection that lasted more than 4 hours, but when that happens I never go to my doctor, I just head on down to the local blood bank and after they drain about 8 pints out of Big John everything returns to normal!”

Recently he’s been following E. Williams’ blog where the writer spoofs ‘really big Liberal C****s in hopes of finding his perfect partner. “I was hopeful after I read about Debbie Wasserman Schultz but to be truthful she’s so ugly Big John shrunk to about 2 lbs just thinking about it”

In order to earn a living Hans has been charging $50 to have Big John pose for pictures with Facebook fans after his story went viral on a gay UK website called “Dorks Love Manchester UNITED.”

“Hey, its a living, innit,” said Hans …”a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do, no ones just going to hand it to you, especially when you have to use 2 hands and a mini-crane, eh?”

Next up for Hans? A Michael Moore documentary tentatively titled: Big John visits the meat packing industry in San Francisco.

Said Hans, my next step is to experiment with Shrink Wrapping!”

This just in, “Monica Lewinsky ‘gob smacked’ after interviewing Big John on The View!



2 Responses to “Man with 9lb Penis talks softly but carries a big stick!”

  1. E. Williams

    Apr 14th, 2015

    It’s true, my research has shown that Debbie Wasserman is the biggest boner killer both here and abroad.

  2. Captain america

    Apr 14th, 2015

    …some guys dig necrophlia….though!

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