by Walter Bucket on 17/04/15 at 5:48 pm
(satireworld.com) Walter Bucket Presents True Facts
1. Kindly whispered words to allow male at the party know his pants are unzipped: “I spy old one-eye!”, “How long have you been hanging out here?”, “Elvis has left the britches”, “Mr. Banana has escaped the other ‘Fruit of the Loom Guys’!” and “Why don’t you sit down, you look all petered out?”.
2. Former President Ronald Reagan once saved three lives and managed to eat ten thousand jelly beans as a summer lifeguard during school vacation, yet kept forgetting his trunks.
3. True: Science report of the day: Every day your heart makes enough energy to drive a truck 50 miles, on four flat tires, backwards through a tunnel, uphill with no rear-view windows.
4. Need a job? Chicken Chasers are always needed at Tyson, Purdue, etc. Just check on the nearest chicken factories in your area. Anyone ask you what you do, tell them you chase and pick up chicks.
5. July 5th, 2008, Cindy Sheehan blames George Bush for robins and blackbirds shitting all over car parked under a tree to get in the shade.
6. The most requested flavor of ice cream? Gooseberry.
7. Chicago’s O’Hare Airport was named after an Irish Rabbit.
8. True: Seals must teach their young how to boogie. Some never learn and only slow-dance on the ice, or that’s what parents on a cruise ship tell their younger kids who ask what those seals are doing over there.
9. If you see a statue of an American on a horse and all-four feet are off the ground, it means that you are drunk. Go over and sit on a park bench until at least one foot of the horse is on the ground or you’ll get ran over by a tourist bus.
10. While male cockatoos can learn to talk, females can only chirp, toot, peep or give a raspberry. In other words, they are the exact opposite to humans.
11. True: “The Complete Idiots Guide to The Insanity Defense” is still the number one nonfiction bestseller as of December 31, 2014.
12. 75% of all “Handicapped” window displays are counterfeit and only used to get a good parking place. Of course, many become handicapped by seldom ever walking anywhere.
13. More people in Canada are ran over by moose than by cars, snowmobiles and trucks put together.
14. Many are asking why people were so obsessed with President Obama being born outside the United States. About 7 of our first presidents were born in England.
15. The oldest and most common heard by doctors over the past 100 years? “You got to help me Doc. Everything I eat turns to shit.”