Reason For Baltimore Riots Revealed: No Blue Bell Ice Cream

by on 29/04/15 at 3:59 pm

"No Blue Bell...All's they gots is this here paper shit"

“Dats right! No Blue Bell…All’s they gots is this here paper shit and sum cracka-ass frozen pasta shit. Beer be gone too!”


While everyone from TV reporters and pundits to city, state, and federal leaders are pointing fingers and assigning blame for who or what is responsible for the mayhem in Baltimore this week, one looter has finally spoken the truth. The reason for the riots according to a Baltimore homeboy hisself?


A lack of Blue Bell ice cream. Watch for yourself in this 30 second video:

Yes, there is no need for Al Sharpton to come to Baltimore but, if he insists, and if he doesn’t want to be run out of town, he best be arriving in a big old Blue Bell Ice Cream truck. As evidenced in the video, these people mean business. When your town is out of strawberry and Moo-llennium Crunch it’s time to call in the National Guard.

Stan Cunningham, Sales Manager/Eastern Division, said upon watching the video, “I really feel for those people. Blue Bell is the bomb, and it’s entirely understandable that a city would descend into chaos if the supply chain of our ice cream was cut off. Say, this guy gives me an idea for a new flavor though – ‘I Gots to Shit Sorbet!’¬† I’ll run it by the boys in Research and Development.”

Mr. Cunningham apologized to the city of Baltimore, saying there were two reasons for the shortage of the creamy goodness that is Blue Bell in their fine city. First, a bacteria listeria problem at one of their manufacturing plants caused them to have to shut down and sanitize the entire operation which slowed production of their products. Secondly, he blamed the companies motto, “We eat all we can and sell the rest,” saying, “Maybe we shouldn’t be such pigs by eating up half our inventory. Sometimes we get carried away.”

Cunningham assured us the problem was being fixed, that stores should soon be fully stocked with Blue Bell, and that life would once again return to normal in Baltimore.

* Any correlation between this article about Blue Bell ice cream and the name of the publisher of the article being The Right Scoop is purely coincidental.


One Response to “Reason For Baltimore Riots Revealed: No Blue Bell Ice Cream”

  1. Bargis

    Apr 30th, 2015

    Mmmmm Blue Bell with little green specs…my favorite