by captain america on 01/05/15 at 6:10 am
Baltimore, MD – (satireworld.com)
New AG Loretta Lynch helped clear the way for the Raven’s to capitalize on the upcoming NFL draft by confirming that she was ‘all in’ on Obama’s executive action of standing down on prosecution of
‘underprivileged african american athletes’ entrapped by the ‘unfortunate activities of a few bad law enforcement officers’ in the aftermath of the Baltimore riots.
That action clears the way for the Ravens to pick up some undrafted free agents who proved they could cover the 40 yard dash while lugging a 24 pack of Stella Artois under 5 seconds with their pants down around their ankles and 6 Baltimore cops hanging off their their arse!
The Ravens are hoping they can pick up a legitimate pass rusher, a shut down corner and a go to back in short yardage situations to pull them back into contention to bolster their “Killer Offense & Defense.”
The Ravens have been struggling ever since Ray Lewis retired without doing jail time for a mysterious knifing and death outside of a Baltimore strip club at 4 am when he claimed he was studying his play book.
While the President’s action clears the way for some ‘new blood’ to enter t he NFL, Obama has said he has not ‘evolved’ yet in regards to pardoning Rae Carruth and Arron Hernandez of murder charges even though he has ‘no doubt they are the victim of white privilege’ but told their attorneys to not give up hope as he still has 19 months to ‘right all the wrongs done by white people!”
Meanwhile the DOJ says it’s expediting civil cases brought on by a number of looters who were hurt tripping over display racks and broken bottles at the looted CVS pharmacy and overdoses caused by stolen pharmaceuticals that were dispensed with ‘no regard for personal responsibility ” by CVS employees while fearing for their lives.
The insurance company has already denied claims for fire insurance since the devastation was caused by “acts of God authorized by the President, AG and Mayor of Baltimore” according to the fine print in the policies pointed out by Al Sharpton.
Due to continued unrest in Baltimore Obama said he has convinced NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to declare that the Ravens will have to play in an empty stadium for the 2016 season but they would be reimbursed for lost revenue thanks to an earmark sponsored by Harry Reid and paid for by another levy on Obamacare enrollees. “Somebody’s got to pay,” Obama intoned on “”Hairball” with Chris Matthews,
“and it may as well be those fans taking advantage of those indentured athletes who are not equipped educationally to make it in the real world.’ Obama commented while visiting Ivy League colleges with daughter Mahlia who recently was notified she qualified for a Fulbright Scholarship for children of underprivileged and repressed African-American immigrants.
On a related matter Goodell said the NE Patriots would be fined $4M and loose 6 first round draft choices for “Disrespect” following Tom Brady declining to attend the White House to present a game Jersey to the President.
Said Brady, “he’s just pissed off cause he’s got any ugly wife with a big arse…illegal aliens…never appreciate anything, eh?”
In addition to drug testing, Goodell said all Ravens players will be forced to undergo a full body scan before they take the field, including after half time, in order to prevent ‘random violence resulting in death to opponents.”