by Philbert of Macadamia on 24/05/15 at 7:16 am
New London CT – (satireworld.com)
President Obama speaking at the Coast Guard Academy graduation ceremony warned the new graduate Ensigns of climate change (global warming by a politically correct name) as a threat to US national security. The president tied severe weather to the rise of the extremist group Boko Haram in Nigeria, the civil war in Syria and the rise of ISIS in the Middle-East.
President Obama indicated that global warming has caused: people to get hot under the collar and start wars; hot pants, hot flashes and hot sweats; an increase in Athletes foot and toenail fungus; Jock and Vaginal itch (gender equality); Acne; Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD); Rectal itch; under arm odors; Psoriasis; bad breath; and dandruff. Thus, the world faces a smelly and scratchy future unless we act today. The new endeavor is to be called “Crusade Against Crud.”
The Commander in Chief has asked NATO, which the US is a member, to address this problem by reorganizing their military functions into stamping out the effects of climate change. The new NATO will now be known as Nations Against Terrible Odors. Other non-NATO member countries were asked to participate, the Russians responding Nyet! The Chinese, Japanese and Koreans are thinking about joining, while the Iranians deny there are any vaginas in their country. The Arab nations declined as they are too busy fighting among themselves.
The leader of the free world felt that existing conventional weapons could be easily modified for non-lethal anti-climate change uses based on existing technology. What was needed is a non-lethal agent to negate the smelly effects of climate change.
Mr. Obama asked the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rabid environmentalists to examine the papers, emails (government and private) of former Democratic Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, including the Bill and Hillary Clinton Foundation papers. The available stuff wasn’t toxic to ordinary citizens, only female Democratic presidential candidates. However the stuff appeared to negate the smelly effects of climate change by fighting smell with sleaze. The stuff was shredded, alcohol added, the mixture atomized and loaded into various sized pressurized canisters for dispersal by conventional weapons firing blank charges.
The newly appointed US Attorney General Loretta E. Lynch and 25 lawyers from the Department of Justice (DOJ), have all certified that the various sized canisters designated SLEAZE MK1, MOD X were nonlethal, didn’t violate the Geneva Convention on gas warfare and is not harmful to animals or the environment.
First year enrollments at the other three military service academies (Air Force, Navy and Army/West Point) in 2016 have dropped to 50% below average. Military recruitment for enlisted personnel has also shown a similar decrease in numbers!
Authors Note: A salute to America’s men and women in uniform in recognition of Memorial Day. Thank you to all who have served, are serving, will serve, and those that have given their lives for the USA.