by E. Williams on 27/06/15 at 5:19 am
CHARLESTON – (satireworld.com)
Charged with the death of nine Americans here last week, the Confederate Flag was arraigned this morning and entered a plea of not guilty in the case. The Confederate Flag denied having thought of, inspired, or carried out the attack that killed nine in a church. The flag denied having pulled the trigger that caused the death and even denied driving the getaway car.
“These people on the Left are nuts!” the Confederate Flag said after leaving the courtroom. “They’re like the American ISIS. They want to tell people what they can and can’t say, what they can and can’t eat, buy, etc. Now they’re trying to remove me and then they’re going after statues of men associated with the Confederacy. They might not agree with it, but this was a significant period in the nation’s history. I thought these people were supposed to be the tolerant ones but this sounds eerily like what ISIS is doing over in the Middle East. They go into a town and destroy and remove historical items if they don’t agree with it. Geez.”
“I heard that Amazon was removing me from their websites yet you can still go to Amazon and buy items with the swastika on them? How does that make sense? This morning I heard they were removing the flag from the car they used in Dukes of Hazzard. That should solve the racial division in the country.”
“And I saw in the news where people from the #BlackLivesMatter groups are vandalizing southern statues and monuments they disagree with. If I didn’t know better, I’d think they believe ONLY black lives matter and no one else’s does,” the frustrated flag said. “Now, I realize people either love me or hate me, but I want to say for the record that I had nothing to do with the shootings. That was the work of a deranged, mentally F’ed up kid.”
The Confederate Flag said it’s used to being treated like the red-headed stepchild of flags, but this latest round of hate directed towards it seems like an exercise by a people who have too much time on their hands so they sit around and dream up things to be outraged about. The flag is out on bail pending a hearing on its fate at a later date.