by E. Williams on 17/07/15 at 6:24 am
Cairo, IL – (satireworld.com)
A class action lawsuit has been filed on behalf of the nation’s tens of millions of conservatives because liberals are holding a monopoly on things to be offended by. Conservatives said they had finely had enough when it was noticed that liberals were being offended by every freakin’ thing under the sun. Every symbol, word, phrase, term, slogan, and issue has now officially offended liberals, with no end in sight.
“I was thinking the other day,” Tony Matheson, a conservative from South Dakota said, “Liberals are offended by every damn thing and it just didn’t seem right. I wondered for a second what offended me the most and the thing that I always kept coming back to was “liberals!” They ARE a nasty, bratty bunch of babies, aren’t they?”
Liberals have been hogging things to be offended by more and more over the years until it just became ridiculous. It’s gotten so bad that there have been sporadic reports of several conservatives being afraid to leave their houses for fear of saying or doing something that might offend a liberal. “That’s when I said ‘enough is enough,’” Matheson said.
According to the latest numbers from 2014, conservatives outnumber liberals by 14% of the population and remain the largest group, politically speaking, yet liberals are offended by 97% of all things there are to possibly be offended by. The number of moderates stayed the same from the previous poll and, when asked how they felt about the issue, said they could go either way.
Although the case is expected to be tied up in courts for years to come, conservatives en masse decided it was time to move forward with the suit, at the risk of offending liberals once again. As far as damages, conservatives are asking that the country be returned to a state of sanity, for all liberals to be taught common sense in elementary school and, when it comes to liberals being offended by every little thing, for them to “just get over it already.”
There has already been one delay as Baltimore’s top lawyer Marilyn Mosby was asked to file the suit but filed it in the wrong court. Some things never change.