EPA Tells Municipalities They Can Pollute Rivers Any Color You’d Like

by on 17/08/15 at 4:42 pm

Several Colorado residents leaving a pot dispensary said they preferred red over blue since blue confused the birds into thinking they were flying upside down...Or something like that.

Several Colorado residents leaving a pot dispensary said they preferred red over blue since blue confused the birds into thinking they were flying upside down…Or something like that.

COLORADO – (satireworld.com)

Doing a bang-up job of polluting the Animus River in Colorado last week has given the higher-ups at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) a new idea for bringing revenue to the out of control agency. The agency’s incompetence has left the Animus a bright mustard-yellow color, full of chemical toxins like lead, arsenic, cadmium, and mercury, and experts say it may take years for the clean up as the pollution continues to move downstream.

But for the EPA, this situation is seen as an opportunity. So administrators with the agency have sent out letters to local and state governments across the nation, offering to pollute rivers in their jurisdictions any color of their choosing – for a price. Gina McCarthy, Administrator of the EPA, says the price depends on the areal coverage of the job and the density of pollutants it takes to achieve the desired color.

McCarthy told us, “You can see from the Animus pictures that we can brighten up any landscape. We usually leave things to Mother Nature, but sometimes she needs our special touch.”

“After our handiwork on the Animus,” McCarthy said, “It became our portfolio in a way. It showed to everyone just how incompetent we are, but also what lovely colors we could turn the nation’s waterways. We’ve already had calls from Texas A&M University in College Station, Texas, wanting to know if we can turn the Brazos River, just west of town, dark maroon on weekends when the Aggies have a home game. And the Oregon Ducks football team said they would pay us whatever it took to turn the Williamette River dark green on their football weekends.”

McCarthy continued, “Our chemists are busy in the lab as we speak, working out just the right chemical pollutant ratios for every color under the rainbow so we’ll be ready in a pinch to provide colorful disasters whenever and wherever we’re needed. I haven’t seen the paperwork, but my assistant told me just before this interview that the Oakland Raiders want to know if we could turn the San Leandro Bay near their stadium a ‘pitch black.’ They thought that would be cool. (Smiling) I think we’ll be able to accommodate them.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work. People aren’t just going to scare themselves into being afraid of global warming, are they?”



One Response to “EPA Tells Municipalities They Can Pollute Rivers Any Color You’d Like”

  1. Bargis

    Aug 17th, 2015

    good one

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