DC Metro Female Butt Pincher Eludes Police

by on 18/08/15 at 4:43 pm

Ex-Congressmen Leaves Police Station After Finger Analysis. DC police say Anthony Weiner is a prime suspect.

Ex-Congressmen Leaves Police Station After Finger Analysis.
DC police say Anthony Weiner is a prime suspect.


Suspect Mark Lowton shows off his registered pinching fingers.

Suspect Mark Lowton shows off his registered pinching fingers.


Democratic Party Boss Ned Rogers say's it isn't him since he keeps his pinching finger in his handy-dandy holster.

DC Democratic Party Boss Ned Rogers say’s it isn’t him since he keeps his pinching finger in his handy-dandy holster except when writing checks.


Washington DC – (satireworld.com)

Female commuters riding the Washington DC Metro during morning and evening rush hours have been plagued by a “Butt Pincher” sneaking up behind these ladies and then disappearing into the crowded car or getting off the train. Metro Transportation Police have designated this person of interest as the “Shadow.”

The “Shadow” has been described as being male, of average height and weight, and keeps his face covered by a hooded sweatshirt. Undercover Transportation Police female officer decoys riding the various DC Metro lines have had no luck baiting the “Shadow” into any observed criminal action.

The “Shadow” has pinched white, Afro-American, Hispanic and Asian women between the ages of 20 and 50 years of age; rich, poor and middle class women; and women living in Washington DC and its suburbs. LGBT organizations have lodged a discrimination complaint against the “Shadow.”

During one day last week the “Shadow” struck 42 times on Metro trains traveling in the District of Columbia, Maryland and Virginia. However, Transportation Police believe there may be several copycats also riding the rails. A fear exists that escalation to other acts may occur. Thus the number of applications by females for concealed handgun permits has tripled in all three jurisdictions.

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest mentioned the “Shadow” during the daily press briefing, indicating vacationing President Obama was concerned. The president was upset about the increase in hand gun permit applications, but pointed to the racial and age diversity exhibited by the “Shadow!” Mr. Obama also vouched that former President Clinton was not the “Shadow,” as Bill and he played golf all week.

Additionally, First Lady Michelle Obama and Democratic presidential candidate, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, have received several more Secret Service agents for protection. Republican lawmakers wonder why, as neither of these ladies ever rides the Washington DC Metro!



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