by E. Williams on 19/11/15 at 6:21 am
WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com)
Not since General Patton has America witnessed such a brilliant military strategist as Barack Obama. Since the dawn of man, civilizations have fought and defeated their enemies through sheer force by any means necessary. No matter how violent, how brutal, a war wasn’t over until one side was beaten into submission.
Those were the old days. President Obama is the first warrior to fight a guilt-free war – one that is nice and clean, allowing ISIS to maintain safe spaces throughout the Middle East, and with no casualties on his side. This is Obamawar. No war like this has ever succeeded in history, but that won’t deter the plucky president.
“Make no mistake,” Mr. Obama said following the Paris terror attacks, “They will feel the full force of my wrath. Remember back when you were in high school, when you would take your dad’s car out without his permission, and when you came home he was super pissed and gave you a stern talking to? Then you know what ISIS is in for.”
He continued, “I am prepared to go all out in our skirmishes with ISIS. No matter what they throw at us, we will not shy away from melees, tussles, rumbles, or even clashes. We will meet every fracas, altercation, or even a little ruckus, head on, even if it results in a tiff between the two sides.”
“These will be full-out skirmishes that will annihilate ISIS where they live, but will result in no American collateral damage. This strategy of not putting us in harm’s way should make ISIS a thing of the past by the time I leave office in early 2017. People will say, ‘Do you remember ISIS?’ and you’ll be like, ‘Oh, yeah. I remember back when they used to be a threat.’ I don’t know why military leaders haven’t thought of fighting wars like this in the past, it’s so much easier. You guys can thank me later.”
Obama winced when notified that France had dropped twenty bombs on an ISIS compound just days after the Paris attacks. “Good Lord, that sounds a little excessive, doesn’t it?”