by E. Williams on 09/12/15 at 7:36 am
WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com)
In his infinite wisdom and attempt to thwart mass shootings by Muslims so the American people don’t get upset with them, President Obama said today that he had come up with a workable solution to all the gun control hysteria that he himself has stirred up. He has demanded that gun manufacturers and ammunition makers work together to find a way to make bullets go slower.
“I was sitting in the Oval Office, thinking of ways to stop these mass shootings. Finally, it dawned on me,” the president said. “You have folks out there who maintain that when a shooting rampage starts, it takes time for the police to arrive to help, especially in my beloved gun-free zones. But if bullets traveled slower through the air, it would mean less carnage by the time help arrived. Instead of fifteen innocent deaths, maybe there would only be six.”
“Also, if bullets traveled slower, I mean really slow, it would give a potential victim time to try to escape or at least get out of the way before being hit. If they can make bullets slow down in cartoons and movies using special effects, why can’t they do it in real life? I saw them do it in The Matrix, and also that last X-Men film, so I know it can be done,” the president said. “It’s brilliant! In a way, I can’t believe no one has suggested this before but, then again, America has never been lucky enough to have Barack Obama for a president until now,” he said with that stupid grin on his face.
Mr. Obama said the new bullets would cut down on terror attacks, gang shootings, and make suicide with a gun not such a sure thing. “That’s the main problem with guns…the bullets just go so fast that they inflict so much damage. I will also sign an executive order stating that gun manufacturers install slower firing pins. My thinking is that if the firing pin just lightly taps the primer then maybe the bullet will get off to a slower start as opposed to the violent bang that currently sends it out of a gun at high speed.”
In addition, the president said he would like to have all guns in existence retrofitted with a delay between trigger pulls where an LED screen would say, “Are you sure you want to fire the gun again?” It would be similar to your computer when you are asked if you are sure you want to delete something. Obama maintains that a shooter would have to stop after firing each bullet and press a button on the LED screen before he could pull the trigger again. “All of these ideas of mine are common sense gun control measures I think we can all agree to,” he said.
Marty Greene, owner of the Miami Powder Company, said, “The president’s a moron. Being a liberal, he has the luxury of not dealing with reality. That’s what makes him way more dangerous than my loaded AR-15.”