by E. Williams on 13/12/15 at 9:17 am
WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com)
Following his “Please Pardon the Muslims” speech last week, in which Mr. Obama vowed not to change a thing in his imaginary war with ISIS, the president announced his latest, government-mandated program. In conjunction with the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR), Obama, using his favorite tools, his pen and his phone, has issued an executive order to institute his Muslim Protection Program, also called ObamaCAIR.
ObamaCAIR insures that all Muslims are protected from harmful words, profiling, and hurt feelings. States are being asked to set up ObamaCAIR exchanges where navigators would ensure that all Muslims can report any American who is in any way disrespectful of them, or their religion of peace.
“I care about defeating ISIS,” the president said in a statement, “It’s just that I care more about not offending anyone who practices Islam. The same rules still apply under ObamaCAIR – ‘If you see something, say something, but keep it politically correct.’ My new program commands that Americans are only allowed to profile a Muslim AFTER they have carried out an attack of workplace or gun violence.”
The president also asked anyone who is planning a lone-wolf style attack to please wait until after he leaves office in early 2017. “I know this might inconvenience some out there, but it would really save me a lot of headaches. You have no idea,” he said.
CAIR will act as the watchdog for ObamaCAIR, and will be the first to scream if a Muslim is even looked at the wrong way. Critics of the plan point out that CAIR is being given too much power because they are still allowed to fund terrorism under the new guidelines.
ObamaCAIR is mandatory, requiring all non-Muslims to bend over backward to be nice to Muslims or pay a penalty to the IRS. The act also strikes the words “radical Islam” from all literature, printed and online, as Mr. Obama found the words too hard to pronounce when they are used together. To this day, he has still not been able to say those words.
The cornerstone of the president’s plan, designed to make all Muslims feel more comfortable in America, is to enact gun control measures against those he opposes. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has vowed that, if elected, he will repeal ObamaCAIR on his first day in office.