by E. Williams on 15/12/15 at 6:12 am
WASHINGTON – (satireworld.com)
In a press conference today, President Obama laid out his latest vision for defeating terror in the Middle East and restoring a feeling of safety among Americans here at home. The president seemed more serious in his remarks today, and his rhetoric was the harshest he’s used on the subject to date.
Obama: “Good morning. I’ve noticed in the polling data that my badass speech against ISIL to the American people last week didn’t really move the needle in my favor at all. So, let’s do this again. Let me be clear, we will defeat this enemy. First, however, I must apologize to the American people. All this time, I’ve been fighting ISIL, when it’s ISIS who are the actual threat. I always wondered why I seemed to be the only person saying ‘ISIL,’ and everybody else was saying ‘ISIS.’ They’re two different groups, I get that now. We’re all on the same page now. My bad.”
“Now, I’m here to lay out my three-point plan for you today to share with you some of the foolproof strategies we will use to defeat this evil threat to our modern civilization. First, because of the landmark climate change accord that we just agreed upon in Paris, I will soon be able to control the weather. I will direct tornadoes, hailstorms, and other severe weather to hit ISIS militants where they live. Before long, they will be afraid to come out in the open. This is why we knew getting a handle on climate change was the crucial first step in defeating this enemy.”
“Second, I am having our military fit each of our drones with those laser pen thingies. They cause great distress to airline pilots in the air, so I’m guessing they would bother the drivers of a convoy loaded with explosives on the ground too. At the very least, we think we can cause some minor eye irritation with this tactic. Third, and this is our most ambitious part of the strategy, we are working with NASA to colonize Mars so we can transplant ISIS fighters there.”
“My advisers assure me that ISIS will have a much tougher time launching RPG’s and missiles at both us, and our allies like Israel, from Mars than they could from their current territory. In the several thousand years it will take them to invent the technology to travel back here to earth, we will have built a border wall or have better vetting procedures, or something.”
“Finally, using all these strategies combined, and tapping the brilliant minds of the best and brightest in my administration, we will cut off the very tip of the tail of the serpent and kill it. Rest assured, wewill defeat this evil or, at the very least, we will continue to say we have defeated them. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”