by Philbert of Macadamia on 31/01/16 at 5:37 pm
New York NY – (satireworld.com)
Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced that “Donald Trump will not receive any more construction contracts from New York City (NYC) because of his “criminal thoughts!” Some possible thoughts that provoked this blather from (communist or crazy) Bill de Blasio, e.g. Trumps stand on crime, Muslims, illegal immigration, the mayor’s incompetency or Megyn Kelly of Fox News Channel. However, Donald Trump will probably sue NYC Mayor de Blasio’s ass off in court for restraint of trade and first amendment violation damages.
His Honor the Mayor de Blasio then got the brilliant idea to form the New York City Thought Police (NYCTP). Police Commissioner Frank Reagan assigned the NYCTP to work with the NYC Transit Police, their combined headquarters being located in Brooklyn Heights. The function of the NYCTP is to ride the city’s subways, buses, trams and other public transportation to listen for strap hinging commuter’s evil thoughts.
The NYCTP doesn’t expect to run into Mr. Trump, but can write tickets for anyone’s perceived evil thoughts or in severe cases utilize their TASERS to immobilize a transgressor. A short list of offenses dictated by Mayor de Blasio follows:
- Violating Political Correctness by using forbidden words
- Violating people’s Safe Spaces during rush hours
- Not using Trigger Words to alert people while reading Playboy Magazine
- Micro-Aggressive assault by stepping on someone’s shoes during rush hours
- LGBT Awareness by calling a she a he or vice versa, without positive verification of gender
- White Privilege by being white
- Drinking a large sugary drink while eating a salted pretzel
- Characterizing the mayor as a schmuck
Police Commissioner Reagan disbanded the NYCTP after one week. The number of reported fist fights, abusive name calling and disorderliness had increased tenfold on the city’s subways, buses, trams and other public transportation, when the NYCTP tried to enforce the listed rules.
NYCTP officers were reassigned with a hefty salary increase (on orders of Mayor de Blasio) to Staten Island patrols. The Mayor’s Office issued a statement that “the reassignment is not punishment duty!” Police Commissioner Reagan had no comment, but hinted the reassignment of NYCTP officers was to keep them from going to the NY Post with the story!