FBI Court Order ‘Bombs’ As San Bernardino Gunman’s iPhone ‘Possibly Booby Trapped’

by on 19/02/16 at 4:47 pm

"Is my phone de-crypted you say? Well of course it kis... do you think I keep it in a grave?"

“Is my phone de-crypted you say? Well of course it is you bloody fool… do you think I keep it in a grave?”

Los Angeles, California – (Satireworld)

Decryption of a terrorist’s iPhone via a custom-built malware program could blow up in the Bureau’s face according to latest intelligence reports.

Citing highly technical sources a mole at the US Attorney’s Office in LA said this morning that terrorists may have encrypted the device to trigger any number of suspected hidden improvised explosive devices – IEDs – in the event of a passcode hack.

“No wonder the Feds are too chicken to hack it themselves,” mailroom assistant and trainee janitor Pearson F Deepthroat commented as yet another FBI electronic can opener was consigned to the trash heap; “you really think anyone in Silicon Valley is dumb enough to fall for such a scam?”

The controversy began when federal agents failed to access a dead San Bernardino gunman’s playlist on a discarded iPhone suspected of holding significant terrorism clues before blaming manufacturer Apple for thwarting their task.

A LA court hearing saw senior federal judge Whitby V Warlock oblige with a relevant court order ‘volunteering’ the Cupertino tech giant to do ‘what the Feds damn well tell them’ – despite a raft of constitutional reasons explicitly forbidding forcing third parties from doing the FBI’s dirty work.

Commenting on the impasse specialist California litigators Fang & Claw Llc said, “WTF?” this evening.

Judge Antonin Scalia was 109.

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