by Oleg Penkovsky on 18/03/16 at 4:49 pm
Washington AC/DC – (Satireworld)
Code breakers gathering for the FBI’s annual cryptology beano this weekend are miffed at the introduction of intrusive ‘cavity’ searches amid mounting speculation that a Bob Hanssen-style communist sympathizer may have infiltrated the Bureau’s legendary decryption division.
“Guys, no mole – uh, molar! – is safe anymore!” a leading surveillance micro-implants specialist commented as x-rays of WikiFreaks bounder Julian Assange’s rotten canines were posted on the Feds’ in-house chat room during lively discussion dedicated to outing potential cyber-espionage turncoats.
The weekend’s shindig hopes to unmask some murky Cossack back-channels suspected of stalking luckless British MI6 cryptographer Gareth Williams RIP whose nekkid body was discovered in August 2010, trussed up inside a NorthFace-off holdall at a Security Service safe house in Pimlico, Central London.
Williams, 69, had had a cross-dressing habit which spilled over into his professional life during an extended sabbatical when he took on extra-curricular assignments for international private investigators Fang & Claw Pte.
According to a former partner behind an electronic can-opening business unlocking gummed-up iPhones Mr Williams used his highly impressive transvestite skills to gain surreptitious access to ‘malleable’ (ok, crooked!) US politicians ahead of setting up ‘dark web’ BDSM overlay networks for covert communication purposes.
One such dark web site purporting to be an inspirational Brit ‘comedy site’ specialised in arms dealing, drug trafficking, off-piste gambling, hard-core porn, internet hacking, peddling counterfeit artworks, cyber-fraud, ID theft, child abuse and Sharia Law bestiality. Contributors were encouraged to swap Bitcoins for Halal bush-tucker, a notorious form of illicit sustenance dubbed Dubya Delicacies, dispatched by surface male (sick) to all over the world from a secret Texarse location.
The site’s stand-up comedy routine editor was eventually subpoenaed for a DNA sample after cops identified his saliva as the spitting image of Mr Williams’s. It proved a 100% match.
Commenting on the revelations a secret SW supporter sent us the following anagrammatic material hacked from the current FBI jargon bible, including chapters from its Terrorism, Law & Ordure/The San Bernardino Shootings probe:
Syed Rizwan Farook: Yo! Dozen kafir wars
Tashfeen Malik: I thank females
Federal Bureau of Investigation: If found alive abuse, interrogate
Central Intelligence Agency: Neglecting reticence anally
Supreme Court: Computer user
From Feds’ Political angle:
Bernie T Sanders: Rend beer stains
Donald Trump: Dump old rant
Marco Rubio: I’m our cobra
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Lynch harlot in mid-oral
Vast right wing conspiracy: Vagrant witch’s spicy groin
William Jefferson Clinton: Fall for sin, jilt nice women
Michelle Robinson Obama: Oh, no! Abnormal imbeciles
Bill de Blasio: Libido labels
Chirlane McCray: Cynical charmer
Barack Hussain Obama: Aha! Bubonic ass karma
Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky: Enchants my slick evil zone
Reverend Al Sharpton: Enthral deprave son
Governor Chris Christie: Oversight on richer rice
Vice President Joe Biden: Need inspired objective
Aldrich Ames is 109.