by Wallace Runnymede on 01/04/16 at 6:08 am
Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)
The entire International Community (all ten or so individuals!) have been suddenly cast adrift without guidance and enlightenment…No, it’s not, as you mighta thought, that Glenn Beck and his MSNBC haters have hung up their microphones, leaving the entire global policy world in eternal darkness.
Nah! It’s just that John Kerry is taking a reasonably adequate break; he’s currently in recovery from severe brain-fry.
This illness resulted from his valiant and courageous endeavors to write a logic book…For ignorant infants who don’t know right and wrong, and who must be educated by a higher power with a supreme ethical and educative privilege and authority.
Sounds familiar, huh? Still, he is a man who is always keen to share his consummate knowledge and wisdom… Well, hadn’t ya guessed?
And equally fortunately, he is currently not too incapacitated to tell me about it:
His most exalted diplo-wonkiness murmurs, still shaken by the traumatic experience which nearly ended his stellar political career and even his life:
The world nearly turned off its axis, utterly bereft of guidance…I mean, writing this book almost killed me!
Like, I’ve always been a Man of Reason, even of moderation, at a push, but this is getting ridiculous.
Yes… I started off with the law of identity, and it took me several days to grapple with it, because every time I tried to think of an identical proposition, I kept thinking of all the other possible angles.
Well, yeah; I mean, I’ve got a flexible mind, that’s for sure. But sometimes I’m afraid my head is just too dynamic for this kind of thing. So I skipped that one and went to the next one.
And… oh, man…when I found out that the next one was called the principle of NON-CONTRADICTION…oh, wow.. I just broke down and cried.
Do you understand me? You agree with me, surely? I need validation…
Like, sure, I know me and my buddies are always and inevitably in the ABSOLUTE right..
But sometimes, you know, I still ask myself, in one tiny little corner of my aching and bleeding heart…. WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?
I know you accept my opinion, don’t you?… Please say you do. I like acceptance and recognition….
I mean, I really do value it when absolutely everybody who counts unquestionably believes and repeats ad nauseam every utterly unquestionable and infallible absolute truth that I so benevolently bestow upon them…
OK, that’ll do fine. Anyways…
I mean, it’s as if some evil deity has just deliberately formed the rules of logic contrary to how my mind works. I think you know what I mean.
Well, yeah… that, that person from one of those bastard European countries that keeps bothering us and that we might have to do something about one day…
Yeah, Ronnie… no, not the Roll City Stoners one from that London place in Ireland… Ronnie Descartes?
Yep, he was right about that theory of the Evil Right-Wing Demon. God has tricked me by creating a world that doesn’t correspond with the structure and the customary thought processes of my mind.
Yeah, I just can’t bear it. I’m going to have to come up with a new system of logic myself, and democratically impose… sorry, introduce it, or something like it…to the Global Village…
Yes, this will aid us in our pretty-much-fully-consensual project of facilitating our mutual rational advancement, our common theoretical-disciplinary prosperity… hang on, what’s the rest of my usual spiel?
Brain fry… sorry…well, sorry; you know, within reason.
Oh yes: the last bit is, the indefatigability of the human spirit to triumph over all arbitrary logical norms. Gotcha! Pretty neat and clinical, huh?
Well, that noble endeavor shouldn’t be too hard; maybe he can get a bit of assistance from his colleagues.
Well, it is rumored in some unpatriotic and un-American circles that the US State Department employs some of the most cutting-edge devisers of “innovative” lines of thought and reasoning in the world.
Originally published on Glossy News.