NYT Introduces Political Gossip Column

by on 09/04/16 at 7:54 am

The NYT article about Lindsay Lohan being spotted loking like a Times Square bag lady really hit home

The NYT article about actress Lindsay Lohan being spotted looking like a Times Square bag lady really hit home with readers

New York NY- (satireworld.com)

The New York Times (NYT) faced with a declining readership had to find new ways to boost the paper’s circulation. There was a time when New Yorker’s read this paper while riding on the NYC Subway/ commuter trains or having a Danish pastry or a Bagel and a cup of coffee in the morning. Since the paper has moved to the Democratic political left, even with on-line subscriptions, readership has still decreased.

At a NYT upper management meeting several suggestions to raise circulation were considered, namely more friendly articles about Republicans, a comic’s section, a news satire column like Art Buchwald of the defunct NY Herald Tribune or a political gossip column. The latter suggestion was chosen.

The senior editors put together the initial offering of a political gossip column to run in the Sunday edition of the paper, as follows.

  • Queen Elizabeth II offered President Barack Obama a room in the “Tower of London” when he and First Lady Michelle visit sometime during Obama’s last few months in office. This foreign trip assumes the Queen invites him for a state visit.
  • President Obama explained to Congress that his foreign policy, especially related to defeating ISIS “Islamic Terrorists” is achieved employing the latest personal computer driven Oija Board (spirit board) technology.
  • Current Democratic Vice President Joe Biden planned to open a Shotgun Shop in Delaware next year after leaving office. However, he couldn’t pass the firearms background check as the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) discovered he was on the “No Fly List” and “Terrorist Watch List.” VP Biden has been using Air Force Two these last eight years.
  • Democratic presidential candidate former Secretary of State (SOS) Hillary Clinton accused presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) of using the N-Word, when Bernie orders Nachos in a Mexican restaurant.
  • Democratic presidential candidate former SOS Clinton has maintained that she is not a pathological liar. One of her personal aides verified that Hillary records her lies (tailored to the audience she is speaking to) on a tiny recorder that fits in her ear and looks like a hearing aid.
  • The Vermont Gazette has observed a New England sacrilege, as Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) uses Heinz Ketchup on his breakfast pancakes instead of Vermont Maple Syrup.
  • Former Democratic Vice President Al Gore (very tanned) is back in town after spending six weeks on the Caribbean islands of Turks and Caicos, Curaçao, Aruba and Bonaire. He indicated all the glaciers have completely melted on the islands as seen from his private jet and luxury yacht and this is due to use of fossil fuels causing global warming.

A follow up meeting of the paper’s executives approved the initial political gossip column and indicated that if successful it would become a daily NYT feature. Management also proposed that if the new column failed to attract new readers, the “Old Gray Lady” will offer to buy the rights to Playboy Magazines classic centerfold photos for use as a Sunday feature!

One Response to “NYT Introduces Political Gossip Column”

  1. Bargis

    Apr 9th, 2016

    maybe they’ll start a horoscope section too

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