Penelope the Slicer Still on the Loose in Los Angeles

by on 26/07/16 at 5:17 pm

The first thing victims noticed were bad nail hygeine

The first thing victims noticed were bad nail hygeine

School picnic photos from Penelope's 6th grade photo album show's pattern that is carried on through life.

School picnic photos from Penelope’s 6th grade photo album show’s pattern that is carried on through life.

Los Angeles CA – (satireworld.com)

A bizarre series of 15 bloody penis slashings has occurred in the southern California City of the Angels over the course of the last month. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) indicates they haven’t seen this kind of crime since Jack the Ripper’s crime spree of the slashing of five to eight prostitutes in London UK in the late 19th century. The Los Angeles serial perpetrator has been positively identified as a middle-aged woman named Penelope.

Penelope was a Hoagie roll cutter in a local downtown sandwich shop on Spring Street, until she started slicing up other items. Penelope was radicalized to a life of crime employing her bread knife when President Obama unconstitutionally made women’s rest rooms, dressing rooms and locker rooms available to Transgender women. Penelope took it on herself to surgically make sure the transformation to a female was a reality. Penelope was heard to remark “that she wanted to be alone in her own space while taking care of business!”

Penelope’s modus operandi is to hide inside the Ladies restroom. Then she waits for her victim to enter the ladies restroom in a Target Store, a Macy’s Department Store or at Gold’s Gym, easily identifying her prey and then she does her cutting. These shops and other downtown stores have been put under close surveillance by the LAPD.

LAPD has also staked out Subway, Jimmy Johns, Jersey Mikes and other sandwich shop ladies restrooms with plain clothes women officers, hoping Penelope will become homesick. Male LAPD officers usually wait outside, as Penelope easily escapes in the confusion when in a restroom full of women.

An LAPD spokesperson reports that the number of peeping toms, sexual assaults and hidden camera photography incidents have decreased to zero in women’s rest rooms, dressing rooms and locker rooms with Penelope still on the loose!

 



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