by Philbert of Macadamia on 31/08/16 at 7:46 am
Washington DC – (satireworld.com)
Reports have been simultaneously released by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) that indicate male condom materials may cause cancer in humans. A number of brands have been tested and only one has been found to contain asbestos.
ObamaCare initially had provisions that mandated health insurance pay for female contraception devices and drugs. Amid the flurry of lawsuits about the first amendment “freedom of religion” being trampled on by the Obama administration, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) quietly added a new requirement for free male condoms, without the approval of Congress. Many straight women opted to have their significant others employ condoms, as opposed to employing contraception devices and drugs. Gay men and other types of sexual activity were also included for HIV protection, as well as Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) protection.
The Obama administration opted to have HHS, avoiding asking Congress for funding, procure 50 million packages of male condoms, now in service, from the Annapolis Used Tire Outlet (AUTO). The owner of AUTO is a golfing buddy of President Obama at the Bethesda Country Club.
There is no need for citizens to panic as Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, if elected, has vowed to add $1 trillion in new taxes to the Asbestos Trust Fund in February 2017. This money will cover any lawsuits or class action lawsuits against the federal government concerning asbestos tainted condoms. AUTO, the brand that is affected has a picture of an Edsel on the package and may be returned or thrown away. A recall is in process in US major cities, where they are called Obama condoms.
Sole agent for the condom lawsuits will be the Law firm of Barack Obama, Harry Reid and Bill Clinton LLC (no connection to the Clinton Foundation) located on K Street in the District of Columbia. The firm will begin operating in 2017 and is currently hiring former HHS lawyers, following the near term collapse of ObamCare. Until TV advertisements concerning “loved ones sensitive body parts” begin to appear in late January 2017, operators are standing by at 1-800-CONDOMS to take your calls!