by Philbert of Macadamia on 07/11/16 at 9:03 pm
Burlington VT – (SatireWorld.com)
Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Company has joined the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement. The company posted a statement on its website signed by the founders that identify their positions on issues such as racism, civil rights/equal justice, police shootings of black Americans and that the lives of those people serving in the law enforcement community also matter.
In honor of this event the company is introducing three new products to be placed immediately in grocer’s freezers, with more flavors to be announced shortly. These are:
- Tuti Looty: A delicious variation of the Tuti Frutti flavor that causes the breaking of store windows to liberate flat-screen TVs and unopened liquor bottles. (We have to loot because “rich people don’t give us no money!”)
- Flaming Baltimore: A fiery blend that makes one want to rob and burn down a CVS drug store for narcotics and then burn down an under construction senior housing development. Destined to become a summer time favorite.
- Ferguson Freeze: A taste of this exotic flavor conjures up clouds of stolen Cigarillo smoke and visions of things that never happened, e.g. hands up don’t shoot.
The majority of the company’s Guernsey Cows (Brown) will be replaced by Holstein cows (Black and White) having 50% black and white blotches each. Some Guernsey cows will be retained to get these bovines, to give non-white milk (ending white privilege) via animal husbandry and different feed, e.g. Genetically modified Black beans. Lessons learned will be applied to the Holstein cows. However, the EPA needs to measure and approve the methane levels caused by these cows and whether a cow gas suppressor is needed for each type of new cow.
Flavors under development in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream kitchens include Chicago Weekend Black Sundae and Detroit Shoot, Loot and scoot. (The flavor vanilla will be discontinued to support ending white privilege.)
Financial Analysts expect Ben and Jerry’s sales to rise, as supporting BLM is a good business move considering African American’s constitute 15% of the US population.