by Philbert of Macadamia on 18/11/16 at 8:37 pm
New York NY – (SatireWorld.com)
Mrs. Philbert suggested we get away from Pizmo Beach Pennsyltucky for a few days, now that the 2016 elections were over and only a few “lame ducks” remain in Washington DC. We decided to motor to “The Big Apple” New York City (NYC). Our first mistake was in using Interstate 80 and trying to cross the George Washington Bridge during the evening rush hour. Things went downhill from there!
We arrived at our NYC midtown hotel, as the Trump Tower was booked with invited Republicans discussing various cabinet positions with President Elect Trump. Since both of us were tired we went directly to our room, but I felt something was amiss. I was tipping the bellman when he took me aside to tell me I was using the wrong title, it was bell person. He also cautioned me that NYC ‘s Democratic Mayor Bill de Blasio and the City Council had passed a resolution making titles gender independent. A person could be fined in the Big Apple for transgressions that sponsor gender inequality.
The bellman, oops bell person gave me a crib sheet of correct personal titles to be employed. My second mistake was made at breakfast the next morning by using the term waitress instead of server. Boy did I get dirty looks from the wait staff, but no arrest was made. While eating my gender neutral “Wheaties” (the breakfast of Champions like Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner) I perused the bell person’s list of titles, namely.
- Fe: Transgender Female
- Fi: Transgender Male
- Fu: Lesbian
- Foo: Homosexual Male
- Fom: Straight Male
- Fof: Straight Female
Mrs. Philbert and I toured the big town’s museums, Planetarium, the Cloisters, Radio City, the lower East Side, the Statue of Liberty and rode the subway to Brooklyn’s Coney Island while trying to use the bell person’s list to address people, but alas we failed. Thus, my third mistake was that I kept saying Fe, Fi, Fu, Foo, Fom and Fof, but who really knew who was who? Ultimately we were arrested and wound up in night court with all the evening prostitutes (male and female).
The presiding Judge the Honorable Jack McCoy, laughing heartily, was very sympathetic to our “Out of Towner’s” plight and sent us off with only a warning. Since it was now 3:00 AM we quickly checked out of our hotel and headed back to Pizmo Beach Pennsyltucky where people called each other Mr., Miss, Ms. and Mrs.!
Our fourth mistake was again crossing the George Washington Bridge and using Interstate 80 amid all the 18 Wheelers!