Judge Denies Petition to Free Zoo Elephants

by on 08/01/18 at 8:07 am

Many Republicans support giving the elephant 'person-hood' status especially after the 2016 Presidential elections and how the Democratic party reacted to the total unexpected surprise of a real good screwing.

Many Republicans support giving the elephant ‘person-hood’ status especially after the 2016 Presidential elections and how the Democratic party reacted to the total unexpected surprise of a real good screwing.

Torrington CT – (satireworld.com)

A Judge has denied a petition seeking to free three elephants from the Commerford Zoo located in Goshen, rejecting the argument that the animals should be granted legal person-hood.

The “Nonhuman Rights Project” filed a lawsuit, with the hopes of garnering a writ of habeas corpus for three elephants from the Commerford Zoo. The Florida-based group contended that, considering their cognitive abilities and sense of self, these animals should be considered autonomous beings and thus legal persons who cannot be unlawfully imprisoned.

Americans, not just Connecticut residents, should consider the judge’s ruling a reprieve from a possible plethora of preposterous, pachyderm, federal government proclamations driven by People for the Ethical Treatment of animals (PETA) and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). For example:

  • The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) would need to enlarge their pre-flight X-Ray scanning equipment for detecting elephants bringing contraband materials onto airplanes in their trunks. TSA officials are also skeptical about patting down an elephant. A No-Fly lists would have to be established!
  • The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) would not allow a naked elephant to sit in the center seat of tiny coach seats. Additionally, the FAA would require new airplane weight and balance calculations for multiple elephants (5-8 tons each) on board.
  • The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) would frown on the major airlines requiring an elephant to purchase three tickets (3 seat row). Peanuts are still free!
  • The Department of Defense (DOD) would be required to accept elephants into the Military, after all Hannibal of Carthage and his troops crossed the Alps to attack Rome on the backs of elephants (ancient history tanks).
  • The Department of Justice (DOJ) would be faced with allowing elephants to use public rest rooms for their specific gender and accommodating Transgender elephants.
  • The US Corps of Army Engineers would be tasked with redesigning restroom facility equipment for elephants, specifically plumbing. (Waste disposal being left to the individual states to handle.)
  • The US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) would have to contend with illegal African and Asian elephants (no Visas) sneaking into the USA after busting through the southern border wall. ICE asking about their Immigration status is problematic, as are work permits, but larger holding facilities would be necessary before deportation.
  • The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) would have to contend with elephants not having undergone any “background checks,” thus with illegal weapons in their possession.
  • The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) would need to insure there is no discrimination in the workplace against legal immigrant African and Asian elephants.
  • The Internal Revenue Service (IRS), the Department of Labor (DOL), the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) and the Social Security Administration (SSA) would also be required to insure compliance with applicable salary requirements, to avoid the pachyderms working for peanuts!

The Republican controlled 115th Congress would have had to enact new sets of laws, but for the very savvy judge’s ruling. However, it is rumored in Washington DC that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) were working on a joint bill to grant legal personhood to donkeys, just in case!



One Response to “Judge Denies Petition to Free Zoo Elephants”

  1. Bargis

    Jan 8th, 2018

    maybe we can hire the DNC to scoop the poop!

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