Happenings This Week in Tehran Iran

by on 09/07/18 at 2:32 pm

In an effort to downplay viral anti-western politics in Iran, local Mullahs plan to hand out free ice cream cones to foreign visitors.

In an effort to downplay viral anti-western politics in Iran, local Mullahs plan to hand out free ice cream cones to foreign visitors.

Tehran Iran:

IRNA the Iranian News Service has announced that The Islamic Republic of Iran has adopted a more outwardly warm and fuzzy attitude to attract western and eastern nations to do business and attract tourists to come to Iran. “Death to America” and “Death to Israel” shouted in the presence of foreign tourists will be met with harsh punishment as will talking about Iranian nuclear weapons development, missile development and state sponsored terrorism.

Daily and weekend public events in Tehran (Province of Tehran) will be published locally. The wife and kiddies are welcome, bring a picnic lunch and support local street food vendors. A sample of events follows:

  • A reenactment of the Persian Navy beating the Greek Navy at the Battle of Salamis (480 BC) has been cancelled. In the Greco-Persian Wars, a Greek fleet defeated the much larger Persian naval forces in the straits at Salamis. The Iranian government has declared the latter as “fake” news.
  • A wet Chador contest is scheduled this weekend. Females have been warned that if they don’t wear undergarments they will be spanked in public.
  • A bunch of LGBTQ Iranians will be thrown off the top of the Azadi Tower every day at 3:00 PM local time.
  • The Grand Ayatollah will throw out the first stone at the Tehran International Stoning Festival for Adulterers, followed by a beer bust (tourists only).
  • The Great Satan (US) and Little Satan (Israel) Flag Burning contest will take place at a public square, to be announced later.
  • A greased pig contest has been cancelled, as a pig cannot be found anywhere in the city.
  • Tehran temperatures can reach 95 degrees Fahrenheit this time of year. However, swimming in the cooling water outlet of any shutdown nuclear reactor has been ruled unsafe and a shut down nuclear reactor can’t seem to be located. .
  • A nuclear tipped missile naming contest and ensuing paper missile launching contest will be held at the Azadi Stadium (part of the Azadi Sports Complex), every other weekday. The most chosen name for these missiles, by government officials, was the “BARACK OBAMA.”
  • A hide and seek hunt for members of the Bahá’í Faith (not recognized by the Iranian government) is to be held every weekday evening.

If this initial Iranian government public relations effort is successful, weekly and monthly event notices will be published for all 31 Provinces of Iran and distributed to various foreign embassies and world travel agencies!

One Response to “Happenings This Week in Tehran Iran”

  1. O’Leg Pee

    Jul 10th, 2018

    Hmmm….novichock flavor ice cream? Seen that in Swindon, UK

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