After Banning Straws, California Democrats Seek To Outlaw Coffee Stirrers

by on 02/09/18 at 8:06 am

Mark Lowton, an anti-stirrer advocate and 22 year veteran  barista at Starbucks, says the 'wad-in-his-panties' is troublesome, but has purchased one of those 'donut-thingy -pillows' from Walgreens to sit on.

Mark Lowton, an anti-stirrer advocate and 22 year veteran barista at Starbucks, says the ‘wad-in-his-panties’ is troublesome, but has purchased one of those ‘donut-thingy -pillows’ from Walgreens to sit on.

San Francisco, CA – (

After successfully managing to ban straws in California in all restaurants and stores, the state’s Democrats are no seeking to ban coffee stirrers.  Party spokesman Buff Limpnoodle addressed the intended actions in a press conference outside of a San Francisco Starbucks.

“A lot of the coffee stirrers out there are made out of wood.  While this does not pollute the environment or kill sea turtles or unicorns, it does kill trees.  We do not want to see any of our majestic redwoods, or even our ordinary dogwoods, killed just so people can mix the cream and sugar into their coffee.  Besides, we pay baristas to this for us!”

“There are also those green plastic stirrers that places like Starbucks put into our cups.  These are plastic and can pollute the environment.  The big problem, however, is that they fit into the little holes in the top of the cup that look like straw holes.  It just looks too much like a straw from a distance and we think our police will be aggressive in trying to arrest people by mistaking them for straws.  Since we don’t want a lot of needless lawsuits, we are wanting these made illegal too.”

“The third reason is that there is a type of coffee stirrer that is only about six inches long and made of plastic and is actually two tiny, hollow straws built together.  We have discovered that Republicans are importing these into the state to try to get around straw laws and are basically flaunting this in our face.”

When told of the latest move, that weird, old, bearded guy from the Duck Dynasty series (the one who can’t shut up and that liberals all hate) simple said “you gotta be shittin’ me!”

Democrats in New York have already worked hard at outlawing soft drinks over 12 ounces and salt shakers.

When asked what other items California liberals found offensive and wanted banned next, he said that the party’s wish list includes: “charcoal grills (pollution), cap guns (they look like guns and teach that violence is okay), Pat Boone songs (too “white”), American flags, the National Anthem, and the Pledge of Allegiance (too divisive), and Conservative Radio Talk Show (just because they disagree with us).”

McDonald’s Corporation, who generally supports Liberal Politics and is the world’s largest contributor to the LGBTQRSTUV movement (or whatever initials the perverts are using this year) was upset by this announcement.  A company spokesman named Henry Budds, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, said “what, we’re gonna get our asses sued now by some lazy people who have to stir their coffee with their fingers and burn their hands; that just isn’t acceptable to us!”

Rush Limbaugh, when informed that the Democrats in California were trying to strengthen their role as Big Brother, said “that wad in their panties just keeps getting bigger and bigger!  They’ve got to all be wearing 6XLs by now and must be giving themselves a pretty nice cushion when they sit.  No wonder there are shortages of silk, nylon, satin, cotton, and lycra…. it’s all being used to make liberal’s underwear!”

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