Illinois Republican Congressional Candidates Admit to Campaigning in Cemeteries

by on 02/09/18 at 8:43 am

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Chicago, IL – (satireworld.com)

All of the Republican candidates in the Chicago area have admitted that they are campaigning in the cities cemeteries for the 2018 midterm elections.  The famous Illinois cemetery vote, which has historically been 100% for the Democrats since the 1960 Presidential election (which gave the election to Kennedy over Nixon). 

Even the Mormon cemetery in Nauvoo, where Mormon church founder Joseph Smith and his wife, parents, and several siblings are buried, voted Democrat in the Mitt Romney loss of 2012.

David Straight, one of the Republican candidates, said “I got thinking about my parents.  They are buried in a cemetery in my district.  I knew that I can count on their support in the election.  The last time I put flowers on their graves, I noticed that many of my old school teachers and neighbors and coaches and Scout leaders are buried neat them.  I believe that I can count on their support in the mid-terms.  I had this thought that many of the people who lie in that cemetery probably never read the newspapers or see the tv commercials or debates or candidate forums, so they probably are just voting based on what they have always known and done.”

“I contacted and discussed this with several of my Republican friends who are running in other districts.  We decided that this was a large segment of the Illinois votes that we have not been trying to capture in over 50 years!”

When asked how someone campaigns in a cemetery for the votes of the dead, Straight provided the following list:

  • Placing messages on billboards that face the cemeteries
  • Putting messages on buses that drive by the cemeteries and on the bus stop benches beside the cemeteries
  • Putting campaign posters in all funeral homes
  • Placing campaign leaflets and flyers on all graves
  • Sponsoring clean up days at all cemeteries to beautify the grounds and clean the headstones and markers
  • Promising increased funding for research in returning people from the dead
  • Supporting any and all forms of Zombie apocalypse

“We hope that this investment of campaign funds and time is successful and helps to bring our message of Making America Great Again to the people who last lived when our country was great!  We think that the Greatest Generation wants to restore that glory to this country, and we are the ones that can do it.”

 



One Response to “Illinois Republican Congressional Candidates Admit to Campaigning in Cemeteries”

  1. Bargis

    Sep 2nd, 2018

    Great one! Welcome back J-man

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