F.D.A. To Fund Study To Discover The Way The Cookie Crumbles

by on 24/09/18 at 8:26 am

Gladys Pelosi, a freshman at Stanford, reportedly is being paid $47.50/hr to eat cookies and evaluate their 'crumbleness.'

Gladys Pelosi, a freshman at Stanford, reportedly is being paid $47.50/hr to eat cookies and evaluate their ‘crumbleness.’

Similar research on canned Spotted Dick was instituted in UCLA. Not so much about the spots but more about who gave up their dicks to be canned and if  so did they receive ample compensation.

Similar research on canned Spotted Dick was instituted in UCLA. Not so much about the spots but more about who gave up their dicks to be canned and if so did they receive ample compensation.

Palo Alto, CA – (satireworld.com)

“That’s the way the cookie crumbles” is an expression that has been around since the 1920’s.  The exact origin of the phrase is unknown, but it is used as another way to say “that’s life.”  Researchers at Stanford University have received a three billion dollar grant from the Food and Drug Administration to determine the exact way that the cookie does crumble.

Nabisco quickly volunteered to sell cookies at a premium rate to the university to help in their research.  Nabisco is the maker of Oreo cookies, Nilla Wafers, Chip’s Ahoy, Fig Newtons, and several other brands.  “We believe,” said company spokesman Lorna Doone, “that our products can help in this study and are willing to provide cookies to the school at $79.95 per package.”

Kellogg’s, the second largest cookie maker in the country, has agreed to match this price (but has said that they will offer free delivery).

Homemade cookies from the families of those doing the studies will also be used.  Family bakers will be paid a token fee of $99.99 per dozen.  They are requested to provide chocolate chip, oatmeal, peanut butter, snicker doodles, and other common types of cookies.  If any New Mexico bakers provide biscochitos, they be paid an extra $50 per dozen due to the opportunity to introduce ethnicity into the study.  The culinary departments at UNM, NMSU, ENMU, and NM Highlands University have all volunteered to participate and provide the official state cookie.

Dr. E.L. Keebler, Professor of Social Literacy Studies at the university, said that “this investigation will involve several different departments and schools.  We will need people in the sciences to look into weather and humidity on causing the cookies to crumble, for example.  The psychology folks will have to look at what makes cookies want to crumble.  The education department will search whether or not crumbling is an innate or learned behavior in cookies.  The School of Nursing will study haw crumbling affects the basic health of the cookie.  Those studying cartography will research to find out if crumbles tend to fall east, west, north, or south.”

“We will also be looking, if we can get an additional grant, on what to do with those crumbled cookies.  I personally like to put them in milk or breakfast cereals, but that is just me.  I’ll let those researchers look into all of the possible, and most economically and gastronomically, best uses for the crumbs.”

“We are also going to be attempting to define the difference between cookie crumbs and cookie pieces and what size makes it a crumb or piece.  Also, if a chocolate chip or nut falls out of a cookie, is that just a chocolate chip or nut or does it become a piece or crumble?  These are hard questions. that must be asked.”

Other studies that are being funded by the government are:

  • That’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick (SDSU is promising reduced tuition to volunteers to be poked)
  • You’re barking up the wrong tree  (Fresno State has not confirmed if their coeds, as well as canines, will be involved)
  • Beat around the bush (USC has defined “bush” as the plant as most of their female students have Brazilian waxes)
  • The best of both worlds (Cal Tech has promised that both Trekkies and Star Wars fans can peacefully participate)
  • The best thing since sliced bread (Mount St. Mary’s has confirmed that gluten free bread will also be used)
  • Killing two birds with one stone (U.C. Berkeley has promised that no birds will be killed in this research)
  • Curiosity killed the cat (PETA and the ASPCA already have their panties in a wad over this Pepperdine study)
  • Let the cat out of the bag (PETA and the ASPCA also have their panties in a wad over this Stanford study)
  • Getting your panties in a wad (This UC Irvine study was inspired by looking at PETA and the ASPCA)
  • Heard it through the grapevine (Four different Napa Valley schools are fighting over which gets to do this one)
  • Cut the mustard (UCSD said the ketchup and mayo may be involved if they can get extra funding)
  • Colder than a witch’s tit (UCLA has not confirmed whether or not Hillary Clinton or Hanoi Jane will be part of this study)

The budget for these studies (including the one on cookies) is estimated at $25 billion dollars, though all studies are projected to go over budget.

Interestingly, all of these studies will be taking place at California universities.  Governor Jerry Brown credits Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, and Dianne Feinstein for their influence with the federal government to bringing the money to their state.

Former Senator William Proxmire (1915 to 2005), creator of the Golden Fleece Award for waste in government spending, could not be reached for comment.  The fact that he is dead could have something to do with this, though he is on record as voting for Hillary Clinton in Illinois in the last election.



3 Responses to “F.D.A. To Fund Study To Discover The Way The Cookie Crumbles”

  1. Jalapenoman

    Sep 24th, 2018

    I forgot “there’s more than one way to skin a cat!” Oh well. Maybe for next year’s study.

  2. Jalapenoman

    Sep 24th, 2018

    Wow! Nancy’s daughter looks a lot like her!

  3. Jalapenoman

    Sep 24th, 2018

    I wonder how many of Mark Lowton’s British spoof writers had to give up their dick’s just to fill that one 9.4 ounce can (water added)?

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