Swing City in Arkansas Elects Republican Mayor With 95% of the Vote

by on 08/10/18 at 9:09 am

Farley ran a tough campaign against his opponent. Farley credits  wearing his trademark Fez to set himself apart from other bald candidates.

Farley says he was set to run a tough campaign against his opponent. Farley Dickerson credits wearing his trademark Fez hat to set himself apart from the other bald candidates.

Mayor Farley's niece Betty Jane Raleigh recently took first place in the annual 'Miss Camel Toe Contest' beating out 11 competitors.

Mayor Dickerson’s niece Betty Jane Raleigh recently took first place in the annual ‘Miss Camel Toe Ridge Contest’ beating out 11 competitors.

Camel Tie Ridge, Arkansas – (satireworld.com)

Farley Dickerson was elected mayor of Camel Toe Ridge, Arkansas with a whopping 95% of the vote.  Camel Toe Ridge, the seat of Snatch County, is considered a pivotal “swing” city for indicating the vote in the national election.

Dickerson, a Republican, beat rival incumbent Ed Earl Fenderbender by a total vote of 19 to 1.  Of course, considering that Ed Earl died in a tragic fishing accident a week before the election, it was pretty obvious that Farley was going to win.

“No other Democrat in town wanted to take Ed Earl’s place on the ballot cuz we didn’t have time to make up signs or paint our names on the water tower or tell bad stories about Farley and his wife,” said Louelle Grant, the town’s Democratic Party Chairman.  “I am guessing that Hattie Hornbuck is the only one that voted for Ed Earl, but then she wouldn’t ever vote for a Republican if in Jesus was on their ticket and the Devil was on ours.”

Louella added that “everybody in town voted except them Thompson brothers.  They keep saying that they are Libertarians and will only vote when there is one of them on the ballot, but we don’t have any other anarchists in town but them… and they never run for nothing.”

Emily Dickerson, wife of Farley, said that she was going to have to drive to “the big city somewheres to go to Walmart and buy me a new dress for the swearing in coronation.”

At present, sixty-three people (mostly children) live in Camel Toe Ridge (though three families live just outside the town limits on the old Jizzem place).  All twenty-one citizens are registered voters, though there is one refugee family from the liberal nation of california and none of them are registered to vote.  Note: No one in Arkansas thinks that california deserves capitalization, even the democrats.

Farley Dickerson has vowed to “clean up politics in this town” by sweeping up the trash on the floor of the mayor’s office (in the old storage room behind the closed filling station at the corner).  “Ed Earl was kind of a slob, so I’m gonna be throwing away his pizza boxes and old newspapers and such.”  He also said that he will clean up politics by “taking a bath at least twice a week, whether I need one or not

Farley has promised to lower the city sales tax.  Considering that there are currently no more operating businesses in Camel Toe Ridge, this will not have any affect on revenue.  “I also promise that I ain’t gonna take any fact finding missions to Hawaii or Disneyland or any of them other foreign places.   That should also cut costs and help balance our budget and keep expenses down.”

He also plans to increase and improve business in the town by “seeing if I can find someone who wants to reopen the titty bar down on the highway, since the Grant sisters have both been out of business since it closed… and they are tired of eating off the government dole.  We may need to find some younger women to work there too and just let Beulah and Bertha work as barmaids.”

Another campaign promise that Mayor Elect Dickerson intends to fulfill is to “talk to Sheriff Fife and convince him not to set up his radar trap early in the morning on Bent Creek road, cuz Wanda June is complaining something awful about those sirens waking her up in the morning and freaking out her chickens.”

The new mayor also promised some kind of memorial for the outgoing and late mayor.  “Ed Earl needs to be remembered for his service to this town.  We can’t afford a big statue or memorial, but we have asked the county fair folks to name the Pie Eating Contest after him, since he won that five consecutive years.  The Ed Earl Fenderbender Memorial Pie Eating Contest will be a good way to honor his memory.”

When asked if he had any final words for his interview, the new Mayor puffed up with pride.  “Arkansas has the best Snatch in America, and Camel Toe Ridge is the finest piece of Snatch.”



2 Responses to “Swing City in Arkansas Elects Republican Mayor With 95% of the Vote”

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    Oct 8th, 2018

    Thanks Jman, a little local comic relief is good after the last few weeks of the shenanigans of the Democratic “Jackass” Party in Washington DC!

    BTW Moochelle Obama is available for the Titty Bar, provided she gets her own Boeing 747, but that will require building an International Airport in Snatch County!

  2. Jalapenoman

    Oct 8th, 2018

    Thanks, Phil, but Snatch county does have decency laws against women like Michelle (even in strip clubs).

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