500+ at California Nude Beach Commit Self Mutilation

by on 08/10/18 at 4:49 pm

Feinstein left a vomit trail as beach goers up-chucked their lunch.

Feinstein left a vomit trail as beach goers up-chucked their lunch.

VIOTES! VOTES! AND MORE VOTES! Upon hearing about 500+ politically motivated beach goers, Hillary had an aide fetch a swimsuit that was one of  Huma's favorites.

Upon hearing about 500+ politically motivated beach goers, Hillary had an aide fetch a swimsuit that was one of Huma’s favorites.

San Diego, CA – (satireworld.com)

Over five hundred people at a San Diego Nude Beach cut, poked, gouged out, stabbed, and mutilated their eyes in multiple ways to purposefully lose their vision.  These acts of personal blinding are blamed on Senator Dianne Feinstein (one of California’s famed Trio of Terror) showing up and disrobing on the beach.

Brad Harrison, one man who burned out his eyes with a cigarette lighter, said from his hospital room “I was a Desert Storm veteran.  I have have seen some of the worst acts of humanity and I lived through it.  I have never, however, seen anything as disgusting and sickening and inhumane as when Ms. Feinstein dropped her robe from her shoulders and marched proudly down the beach.  It was horrible.  I burned out my eyes, but cannot burn that picture from my mind.  I will have nightmares forever.”

The city of San Diego called upon all local child psychologists and family counselors to gather at nearby Woodrow Wilson High School to speak with over six hundred children.  Said Dr. Sarah Schmidt, “Kids from eight months to almost eighteen years witnessed not only the naked body of the Senator, but also the sight of their parents blinding themselves and screaming in horror.  These twin terrors are going to require a lot of counseling and time and sessions to bring these children back to normalcy.”

A group of teenage boys between thirteen and sixteen, who had sneaked onto the nude beach for the first time, mutilated themselves in a different way.  These adolescents admitted that they all came to see naked women and girls, but all castrated themselves upon seeing Dianne Feinstein nude.  Jason Gregson, a high school freshman, admitted embarrassingly “how can I, you know, ever choke the chicken again?  I’m just going to see that woman in my mind each time.  I’d rather not be tempted to spank the monkey and the best way to do that was to cut it off.”

Teenage girls were seen to cry hysterically and heard to scream “Mom, don’t tell me I’ll ever look like that!”

Senator Feinstein refused to comment on the incident.

One former lover, who asked to be unnamed, admitted that “I always had to put a paper bag over her head, and a gunny sack with a hole cut in the middle over her body.  That way, I didn’t have to see her or touch her.  The only reason I put up with it is that she paid well.   It did, however, drive me swear off women into the arms of men and farm animals afterwards.”

Upon hearing that comment, Dr. Schmidt replied that “this may explain why she only had one child.”

Schmidt also noted that “the intentional blinding could have actually been a mass suicide if Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi (fellow members of the Trio of Terror) had not gotten stuck in traffic and arrived after the tragedy.”

The beach has been closed while Department of Health officials work to remove the blood, they eyeballs, the instruments of mutilation, and “the bad karma” from the Senator’s naked body.  All cell phones found on the beach are being burned in the event that they contain pictures of Feinstein naked.

City and state officials have announced that no charges are pending against Feinstein as “public nudity is allowed on that beach… and having a body like hers may be mentally, physically, visually, and emotionally disturbing, but it isn’t a criminal act.”

3 Responses to “500+ at California Nude Beach Commit Self Mutilation”

  1. Bargis

    Oct 8th, 2018

    The whole concept…..disgusting and revolting but very funny. Geez, these people just have to look limpid, pasty white, and saggy when naked.

  2. Jalapenoman

    Oct 8th, 2018

    I thought of a line to add this morning, but saw the story posted before I got home from work.

    I would have added: Rosie O’Donnell said that “this is even worse than what happens to me on the shore: adults scream “beached whale” and try to push me in the water, Japanese men throw harpoons at me, and little kids point and shout “Shamu!”

  3. Jalapenoman

    Oct 8th, 2018

    Look’s like Hillary lost a few pounds!

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