Donner Party Archaeological Study Finds Survivors Preferred White Meat

by on 15/10/18 at 8:36 am

Yes, there's a real race card out there!

Yes, there’s a real race card out there!

Legend says only one stranded survivor actually gained weight during the months long ordeal. Donner survivor Albert (Pudgy Al) Gore, estimated age 132   years old, claims he only ate assholes since there were so many of them  were left alone and the other survivors shunned eating them.

Legend says only one stranded survivor actually gained weight during the months long ordeal.
Donner survivor Albert (Pudgy Al) Gore, estimated age 132
years old, claims he only ate assholes since there were so many of them were left untouched. Other survivors shunned eating them.


Peru, OR – (satireworld.com)

An archaeological study of the remains of the Donner Party shows that the survivors who had to turn to cannibalism preferred white meat to dark meat.  The group, who was stranded in the Sierra Nevada mountains of California in the winter of 1846-47 appear to have eaten about 20% more breast meat than thigh or leg meat from those who died.

Dr. Jay Turner Barnes of U.C.L.A. said that “when the remains of the dead were moved to a new grave site, we did a study autopsy on their conditions and searched for knife cuts and to see what flesh had been removed.  It was almost always from above the waist, showing that the cannibalistic survivors preferred the white meat to the dark meat.  Some apparently liked the innards also, which does make sense as many KFC’s do make a lot of money selling livers and gizzards and people do like giblet gravy for Thanksgiving.”

“I think that they might have also eaten liver, but since they didn’t have onions….  It should also be noted that they preferred thighs to the drumsticks… I mean legs!”

“This (preference for white meat) also ties in with the survivors of the famous South American soccer team that crashed in the Andes.”

It should be noted that all still living people from that disaster refused to comment for this article on their type of meat preferences.  Manufacturers of Soylent Green also refused comment, as did publishers of the book “To Serve Man.”  By coincidence, no member of the Donner Party (survivor or cannibal) or Jeffrey Dahmer was able to participate in an interview as all are dead (though this has not stopped them from potentially voting in Illinois elections).

Chief Ibabwu Singatu of the Pacific island of Banu Banu is chief of a known cannibal tribe.  His response, through an interpreter, was that “sometimes the dark meat has more flavor and sometimes it is fattier.  I like my white meat with some gravy and some nice vegetables on the side.”

When informed of the information, former First Lady Michelle Obama said that “this information would have been helpful for me when I was doing my best to destroy the school lunch menu.  I wish I knew about it during Barack’s administration.”

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson reacted to the announcement with their usual uninformed, hateful, racist diatribes, so this publication chooses not to quote the two idiots.



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